


Somehow, like that

by Kiromenanz



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexuality Spectrum, Disability, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fanfiction, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Queer Themes, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 06:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5324036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiromenanz/pseuds/Kiromenanz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there are books, trees, accidents, an incredible amount of biscuits, and entirely too much banter. Merlin and Arthur are married without actually being married, people fall in love (and from step-ladders), and everybody keeps hitting on Elyan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bookshop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [R00bs_Teacup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/R00bs_Teacup/gifts).



> This is for Azile_Teacup - I hope you like it! I had so much fun writing this, so thank you for the amazing prompts. If you have half as much fun reading this as I had writing it, I'll consider it a success ;)
> 
> A big thank you to the mods for organizing this fest! I'm still so excited! Also thank you to my wonderful betas (you know who you are), for the help and the tips and the general hand-holding. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Have a great holiday everyone :)
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: since I am a terrible person I didn’t even notice that this got unveiled. So, thanks to AloyCroft (although it isn’t really her fandom she was really awesome ^.^), to narlth for the brit-picking and the general help for the fest (I’m sorry I was such a confused mess, you were great!) and to pendragonns for the wonderful beta job and great feedback. Also, to A, for being generally amazing and helpful and encouraging (as she always is). I wouldn’t have been able to write this without all of you, so thank you so much!

Merlin was leaving the lecture hall, after what felt like the most unnecessary lecture in the history of English Lit, when an unnatural sound echoed through the hall. Everyone flinched and looked around wildly in fear of a poltergeist that may have been left behind by the university’s ridiculously vigorous Halloween festivities.

Merlin, however, simply slowed his gait and waited for Gwen to catch up with him. Her locks were in absolute disarray and she was panting as if she had just run across the whole campus to relay whatever news she obviously was dying to tell him.

“Hey Gwen,” he greeted. “You’re looking good.” She really did. Flushed cheeks suited her well and her large, dark eyes were sparkling in excitement.

Gwen hit him playfully on the arm. “Oh, be quiet Merlin. You won’t ever date me, so what’s the point?”

Merlin rubbed his mistreated appendage. Even if she did not look like it, Gwen had quite the punch.

They stopped walking for a moment and Merlin turned to her. “Gwen, you know you’re my one and only love.”

Gwen looked like she was seriously considering hitting him again. Instead, she looked past him to the empty air just to his right. Her forehead scrunched up in confusion. “Where’s Arthur?”

Merlin sighed and hitched his backpack up higher on his shoulders. “I don’t have to be with Arthur _all the time,_ you know.”

Gwen didn’t even bother to respond. To be honest, Merlin knew it was futile to protest the general assumption that Arthur would always be by his side. Since he was four there was hardly a time when he had not been.

“He has a cold.” He was unable to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Winter always hits him hard because he has this ridiculous notion that, and I quote, ‘ _scarves are for losers,_ Mer _lin._ _’_ ”

Merlin righted his own alarmingly huge red scarf. Arthur had got it for him last Christmas. Oh, the irony. “With an attitude like that he deserves it, if you ask me.”

Gwen hooked her arm around his elbow and started pulling him along. “You two are such children,” she said affectionately.

Merlin knew Gwen loved them like her own children. It was a bit weird at the beginning, back when Merlin had been nursing a big crush on her. Thankfully she had sat him down one day and talked him out of that.

Those had been awkward times. Merlin tried not to think about it.

Merlin matched her determined stride, letting her lead him across campus. He didn’t bother pointing out that he might have his own plans, since he didn’t after all. With Arthur cocooned up in his blankets at home and Gwaine studying abroad for the moment Merlin‘s social life had dwindled down to almost nil.

He shivered when they stepped out into the crisp winter air. With it being the end of November, the English air felt as if it came straight out of the freezer at an ice cream shop, only without the added benefit of actual ice dream.

Merlin huddled deeper into his coat and pulled his beanie down further over his ears.

“I hate winter,” he complained. “It‘s cold and dark and _boring._ ”

Gwen sighed. “You’re just bummed because Arthur isn‘t here to make you all warm and fuzzy.”

Merlin spluttered indignantly about how Arthur did _not_ make him warm or fuzzy. They were friends for god’s sake, manly guy friends, _cool bros_ _, Guinevere!_

“Nobody says that Merlin, really.“ Gwen looked torn between laughing or cutting Merlin out of her life forever because of his terrible slang. Which was not at all true, Arthur said it, but somehow Merlin doubted that would help this discussion.

They stopped in front of the shopfront of a small bookshop Merlin had never noticed before.

“Huh, I didn't know this was here,” he said, taking a look at the books in the display. It was mostly novels and a few obscure science books, but it looked interesting.

Gwen let go of his elbow to fiddle with her scarf. “I didn‘t know it existed either, but Elyan started working here a few days ago.”

For some reason her cheeks and nose, already flushed from the cold, turned bright scarlet.

Merlin might be a bit obtuse sometimes (or more than sometimes, if you listened to Arthur, but Merlin generally advocated not listening to Arthur concerning these things), but even he could tell that there was something more to this than Gwen simply visiting her brother.

Well, no better way to find out than to see for himself. “Come on then, let’s go in, I’m bloody freezing.”

With Gwen’s wrist in a tight grip he managed to drag her through the heavy wooden door into the comfy interior of the shop. Warm, dusty air immediately rushed to greet them and Merlin let it envelope him gratefully. Unwinding his scarf from his neck he took a look around. In front of him were rows and rows of bookshelves that rose from the ground to meet the ceiling, narrow pathways winding through the seemingly random arrangement of shelves. There were comfy looking, brightly coloured, and slightly worn armchairs squeezed into various corners. Most of those were covered in quilts and decorated with the wildest patterns. Merlin thought he even spotted one covered in golden snitches.

“I love it,” he said, turning to Gwen, only to find her looking completely petrified.

“Um, Gwen?” He waved his gloved hand in front of her face. “You alright?”

Gwen let out a strangled sound that bore an alarming resemblance to the scream of a cat’s squeaky toy.

A bit concerned, Merlin followed Gwen’s gaze to where a slightly open door allowed them to see into an adjacent room. There, the most beautiful woman Merlin had ever laid eyes on was stood on a pedestal with a golden light illuminating her hair (well, on a stool directly beneath a bare lightbulb, but the effect was about the same). She was the kind of woman you could fall in love with at first glance.

Which, evidently, had happened to Gwen.

At the sound of the bell the woman had turned around. Her eyes were alarmingly green and Gwen turned even more red beneath her gaze, if that was at all possible.

Come to think of it, her eyes seemed rather familiar to Merlin. The impression of déjàvu only became more pronounced when she got off the stool with a catlike grace, dusted off her palms on her jeans, and came to greet them.

She leaned on the counter and smirked. “Can I help you?”

Merlin squinted at her, trying to place where he had seen her before. It had probably been a few years ago, but with Merlin’s memory of faces it might have been yesterday. There was a reason he kept Arthur around, after all, and it was not for his scintillating conversation. Arthur had a way with people that Merlin could only envy, charming the pants off them with only two sentences and a smile, while Merlin stumbled through social interactions like a drunk panda through a minefield.

Speaking of Arthur...

He gasped and pointed at the woman, who was casually standing behind the counter with one perfectly formed eyebrow lifted.

“Morgana!” he blurted out.“You tripped me in year three!”

Granted, she was a good deal taller now with longer hair, and no longer did she look as cute and innocent as she had when they had been eight. Still, her eyes were the same and Merlin would never forget the face of the girl who had made him face-plant into a muddy puddle in front of all their friends at Arthur‘s birthday party.

Morgana Pendragon was looking him up and down. When her eyes came to rest on his face she smiled brightly, revealing two rows of perfectly straight white teeth. It should have made him blush with her otherworldly beauty but all it did was to make him shiver with fear.

Merlin risked a brief glance to his left to see that Gwen was completely frozen, staring at Morgana with her jaw dropped as if she had just witnessed a holy apparition. Merlin couldn’t blame her either. This whole thing was surreal.

“Little Merlin!” Morgana exclaimed and rounded the counter to greet him.

She reached out and tugged at one of his poor, frozen ears, which had slipped out from under his beanie. “You’ve grown so much!”

Merlin batted her hands away and scowled. “Why are you here, Morgana? Arthur didn’t mention it.” He tried not to sound sulky at that. Arthur always told him everything. Merlin’s insides cramped with unease at the thought that Arthur had kept this from him.

God, he was pathetic.

Morgana leaned back against the counter with her arms casually folded in front of her. “He doesn’t know. I decided Manchester wasn’t for me and decided to move. It’s a complete coincidence that I happened to get a job here.” She shrugged as if it was no big deal, but Merlin could tell that she was troubled by something.

Merlin uncomfortably tugged on his gloves. True, she had embarrassed him in front of every single one of his friends and their parents, since the Pendragons used to throw parent-inclusive birthday parties for their children. Apparently there had been a certain appeal to watching the little devils stuff themselves with cake and other sugary treats, guaranteeing a day-long sugar high that would make them hell to deal with for two days at least. All from a safe distance of course, enjoying hors d'oeuvres, and gossiping in the sun. But Merlin was aware that Morgana‘s life had never been peaceful. She had only stayed with Arthur for three months back then, Uther being the only one who could look after her while the technicalities of her mother’s will were being worked through.

Lost in his thoughts Merlin almost lost his balance when Gwen’s elbow forcibly (and quite painfully) connected with his ribs.

Merlin tried to surreptitiously right himself and stumbled around a little before understanding what Gwen was trying to tell him. “Oh right, Morgana, this is my friend Gwen. Her brother works here, too. Gwen, this is Morgana, Arthur’s half-sister.”

Morgana smiled and extended one manicured hand, tiny snowflakes adorning every nail. “Nice to meet you.”

Gwen’s shaky hand emerged from the depths of her coat pockets and latched onto Morgana’s. Merlin spotted a shy smile somewhere between the shawl covering half of Gwen’s face and her unruly curls hiding the other half. “Hi.”

Merlin was slightly alarmed to notice that Morgana’s predatory gaze was now firmly fixed on Gwen. “So, you’re Elyan’s sister?”

Gwen nodded and murmured something that didn’t reach Merlin’s ears. Through some sort of magic Morgana seemed to understand it and she laughed softly. At the sound of her bell-like laughter even Merlin blushed. He dreaded to think what effect it might have on Gwen.

“Don’t worry, he’s been quite the darling.“ Morgana’s smile turned into a smirk and she cocked her head. “Although it seems to me that might run in the family.”

Merlin subtly placed a hand on Gwen’s elbow to keep her from running away or fainting, whichever she might chose to do, as Morgana looked at her as if she was about to pounce.

As always Gwen was a lot braver than people gave her credit for. Merlin could feel her straightening next to him, her head rising with confidence beneath Morgana’s approving gaze. “Oh, I’m a lot nicer than my brother,” Gwen practically purred. “You’ll see.”

Merlin was beginning to feel vaguely uncomfortable. The feeling intensified when Morgana leaned forward, eyes fixed on Gwen and—was that a blush? “Oh, I’ll bet,” she said, voice dropping a few octaves.

“Oi, that’s not fair!” Merlin blurted out. “Elyan is amazing, I love Elyan!”

He flinched when two faces turned towards him, expressions ranging between vaguely annoyed and seriously pissed off. Merlin wisely decided that his presence was not wanted here at the moment. He vaguely gestured towards some shelves “I’ll just be... right...” he trailed off and turned tail and ran.

He stopped when he suspected that he was now lost between the shelves and would never find the exit. He would probably have to grow old in the shop, and have to make do by sleeping in the armchair with the snitches on the quilt, and build little forts out of the books he had already read.

Which sounded a lot like a dream he had had as a kid. Back then whenever his mother had to go to the shops she used to drop him off at the bookshop until she had completed her chores. He had the time of his life in those days, hiding amongst shelves, randomly picking out books to read, and trying to pronounce all the difficult words.

Arthur had always been with him all those times, Merlin remembered as he leant against a shelf. Arthur had been the one to count to twenty as Merlin hid, Arthur had been the one to solemnly promise the shopkeeper that they were not going to break anything, _honest_ _,_ and Arthur had been the one to laugh at Merlin when he was too small to get _Huckleberry Finn_ from one of the higher shelves. He had also been the one to eventually balance on top of a stool to reach up and get it down for Merlin. Arthur had been the one to poke fun at Merlin when he could not pronounce _contemporary_ , but also the one who had taken him aside and taught him how to say it correctly.

Back then Merlin had dreamt of living in a bookshop until he grew old and cranky. It had never occurred to him to imagine any kind of future without Arthur, equally old and cranky, but not quite as spooky as Merlin, because obviously Merlin was the spooky one out of the two of them.

Merlin rested his head against the wooden shelves behind them, revelling in the wooden thunk as his skull hit the wood and the dull pain radiated from the point of impact.

Arthur had only been bedridden for three days and Merlin was already going sparse. Gwen was great, of course, but she was no Arthur. She was too nice for that on the outside, and had too much strength on the inside. Arthur was the opposite. When they had been in school Merlin had often joked that Arthur was like a Galaxy chocolate bar—from the outside they looked hard and impenetrable, but once you bit into them you realised that they were really soft and sweet. Needless to say Arthur had vigorously protested to that comparison as loudly and as often as possible, but Merlin still stuck to it. He did not say it that often anymore, but he still believed it.

He sat down on the floor, cross-legged and tried to fight the instinct to text Arthur.

Oh, who was he even kidding.

Merlin fumbled out his battered phone from the depths of his pockets and unlocked it to find three missed texts from Arthur.

He smiled and tugged his gloves off his hands with his teeth, dropping them on the floor carelessly and opening his messaging app.

Scrolling through his missed texts Merlin‘s smile slowly dropped and was replaced by a scowl of frustration and eventually an expression of utter resignation.

 

_Merlin I’m bored._

_A_

 

_Merlin I think I might be dying_

_\- A_

_Meeerlin my coughs woke the cat and he vomited on your boxers._

_A_

 

Merlin opened a new text and typed carefully. He was of the unshakable opinion that iPhone keys were most the work of a tiny devil and that autocorrect was an evil spirit just waiting for Merlin to become careless. Which might sound as if he was joking, but the collection of screenshots Arthur had printed out and carefully stuck into his _Why Merlin is Socially Challenged and Should Not Be Left Alone in Any Kind of Situation_ sketchbook proved otherwise. Sometimes, when Merlin was particularly obnoxious he got it out and shoved it in Merlin’s face. Usually he opened it to the page where Merlin had texted his year nine crush Freya and his autocorrect had falsely corrected ‘homework’ to ‘underwear,’ for some cruel reason.

Turns out texting a thirteen year old girl _‘_ _Mind if I take a look at your underwear tomorrow at school?_ _‘_ did not go over particularly well. Especially when she was using her mother’s mobile phone.

That had been mortifying. There were calls to parents involved and Arthur had not stopped laughing about it for a month. But it had not stopped him from delivering a particularly moving speech in front of their parents and a few nosy neighbours detailing how _Merlin_ _‘_ _would never do something like that, look at_ _him_ _’_ and ‘ _Do you really think he is smart enough for that?_ _’._

 

_Arthur,_

_Gwen dragged me 2 this bookshop and we met Morgana (did u kno she's here bc I didnt) & now they're flirting and I had to flee and save myself from all the scary vibes hlp. _

_M_

_PS: ur cough medicine is on counter in fruit bowl_

_PPS: clean up the vomit!!! u r not ill enough to get out of that_

_PPPS: Why were my boxers on the floor I put them all away_

Arthur’s reply was immediate. Merlin had not put his mobile on the floor for two seconds when it beeped obnoxiously and he picked it up again.

 

_Morgana? No I didn‘t know moron, as if I_ _wouldn't_ _have told you that. And her and Gwen?_ _that’s_ _kind of creepy to be honest_

_A_

 

Merlin felt something unravel in his chest. So Arthur really had not known. He felt a smile creeping back on his face.

 

_Ikr? but Gwen seems rly happy so I guess its ok_

_M_

_PS: dont think I didn‘t notice u ignoring th vomit problem! clean it up Arthur I mean it!_

Waiting for Arthur‘s answer Merlin scanned the shelves in front of him for anything interesting. Coincidentally, he had settled down in the aisle that seemed to primarily hold fantasy and romance fiction, which were two things Merlin was a sucker for. It had arrived at the point that the books were piling up in their flat in the most inconvenient places and frequently caused Arthur to trip and threaten Merlin with eviction. Which was ridiculous because the flat was actually Merlin’s. Still his habit of buying copious amounts of books without having a place to put them other than the floor was a constant bone of contention between them. Especially after the time Arthur had tripped and hit his head on the counter.

Of course Merlin had patched him up and taken care of him, but he had not stopped buying books. 

His phone beeped again.

 

_Merlin_

_Calm your tits I cleaned up already. Geez you’re such a wife._

While Merlin was still busy intensely rolling his eyes when a second text arrived.

 

_I’m bored out of my mind here, get yourself home already_

Grinning Merlin quickly typed and sent _now whos being a wife_ and levered himself up from the floor before collecting all of his belongings that he had dropped around him haphazardly. As he was pulling on his gloves and putting away his phone his eyes fell on a book slightly to his right.

_Pride and Prejudice and Zombies_

He immediately reached for it, turning the book around in his hands. Then he shrugged. Why not, he had been trying to get Arthur to read it for ages and he didn’t have a Christmas present for him yet.

Weaving through the aisles Merlin made his way back to where Morgana and Gwen were still standing and talking. Both of them were more relaxed now. Gwen was perched on the back of the armchair behind her, jacket opened and shawl loosened, and Morgana had jumped up on the counter. As Merlin rounded the corner both of them began giggling and blushing, and he would be lying if he pretended that seeing Morgana blush was not the weirdest thing ever.

He cleared his throat, feeling like an intruder, but also itching to return to their flat and spend some time with Arthur.

Gwen looked at him and her expression softened.

“Seems Merlin has been out too long, I think I need to return him to his husband,” she teased, and Merlin fought the urge to stick out his tongue. Morgana smirked back.

 “Still the same then, I see,” Morgana grinned. “I remember once when Uther took Arthur and me on a weekend trip and Arthur threw such a gigantic fit that we had to return after one day because he refused to be separated from you longer than twenty hours.”

Merlin blushed crimson. He remembered that time, it had been shortly after his father had left the family and Arthur had insisted on constantly being around to comfort him, but that did not make it any less mortifying.

He thrusted the book forward in an attempt to change the subject. “I’ll take this with me, please.” Morgana hopped off the counter and performed some kind of magic trick involving elaborate hand gestures and pressing buttons to get the register to open.

“That‘ll be £11,” Morgana said, as she fed Merlin‘s money to the register and handed him his change. “Present for Arthur then?”

Merlin decided that beating a hasty retreat was the only way to get out of this situation without being made fun of even more. He stuffed his purchase and his change into his backpack.

“I’ll go now, Gwen, are you...?”

Gwen looked between him and Morgana, obviously torn between friendly duty and wanting to spend more time with Morgana. He smiled at her to show that he wouldn’t be angry if she were to choose to stay, but she sighed and her shoulders sagged.

“I should leave too. My father is returning from a business trip this evening and I promised to make dinner.” She gave a small wave, suddenly all shy again. “See you around, I guess?”

Morgana looked at her adoringly. “I guess we will.”

Gwen and Merlin turned and made their way back to the front of the shop. They were already bracing themselves for the cold air that was about to hit them when Morgana‘s voice wafted through the aisles towards them.

“I’m on shift tomorrow, if you need any more books.”

Gwen turned crimson, mumbled something, and hightailed out of the shop. Merlin almost tripped over his feet in his attempt to follow.

“Ohmygodohmygod” Gwen exclaimed as soon as they were out of the shop. “Ohmygod Merlin, do you think she likes me?”

Merlin grinned at her. “I wouldn’t say she likes you Gwen,” he said and hastened to add before her face could fall further. “I would say she wants to take you home, cuddle you to death, and have you for dinner. Actually, she looked like she was about to suggest that when you mentioned—” 

Gwen shrieked and put her hands over her ears. “Don’t say it don’t say it! You’ll jinx it!” 

Merlin smiled into his scarf. He listened to Gwen rant about Morgana‘s wonderful attributes, which were plenty, and seemingly needed a ridiculous amount of increasingly cheesy adjectives to do them justice all the way to the bus stop. Before saying goodbye he hugged her tight.

“I think this will turn out just fine.” He told her. “Morgana would be stupid not to absolutely adore you.”

Gwen beamed at him. “Thank you Merlin, that’s so sweet.”

Then she interrupted the fluffy moment of friendship they were having by slapping his backside. “Now get yourself back home to Arthur before he goes crazy from boredom.”

 

***

 

It turned out her assessment of Arthur’s state of mind could not have been more accurate. When Merlin opened the door to their tiny but infinitely cozy flat he found Arthur sprawled over the couch. He was wearing his sweatshirt the wrong way around, a bag of popcorn in the hood of it, and was throwing pieces of popcorn at the cat. Kilgharrah was perched on top of the TV and seemed entirely unfazed by it. However Merlin was not, since he was on cleanup duty for the living room this week.

“And what do you think you are doing?” he asked as he hung up his coat. “Don’t think for a moment that I will clean that up.” 

Arthur bent his head backwards over the arm of the couch to look at Merlin upside-down and grinned at him. “There you are, _Mer_ lin, I‘ve been waiting for you all day.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Some people have things to do, you know. We can’t all laze around the flat forever.”

He put his hand on Arthur’s forehead as he rounded the couch. When he had left this morning Arthur had been burning up. Merlin had seriously considered staying home to take care of him, but Arthur had thrown him out, insisting that “I can take care of myself Merlin, I’m not an imbecile.” Now his skin was no longer hot to the touch, but had the same pleasant warmth that every human with normal temperature had.

Merlin flinched as he heard a popcorn kernel crunching beneath his foot and flopped down on the couch. Arthur immediately pulled his feet towards himself to make room for him. He reached into Arthur’s hood and took a fist full of popcorn. 

“What are we watching?” he asked, trying to figure out which brainless action movie Arthur had put in this time. 

“Die Hard,” Arthur said with a certain exasperated air. “You should know this by now. It’s the one with Alan Rickman.”

Merlin hummed. 

Arthur sighed and started wriggling around until he could lie down on the sofa, feet sticking out over the edge, and head in Merlin’s lap. It caused the popcorn to spill out all over the sofa, but Merlin made only a half-hearted noise in protest. Arthur always got cuddly when he was ill or emotional. He would deny it till his death, but Merlin had been at the receiving end of it so often that it had become a routine.

They watched the movie in silence for some time, only broken by Merlin’s comments on how none of it made sense. It was a hobby of theirs, pointing out mistakes in each other’s favourite movies. If Arthur was allowed to annoy Merlin with constant comments of ‘ _that door would have been set on fire instantly, this is so_ _unrealistic_ _’_ during How to Train Your Dragon then Merlin was allowed to comment on shirts changing colours.

Half an hour into the film Arthur curled further into himself and asked what Merlin knew he had been dying to ask since he got his text earlier.

“So, how is she?”

Merlin made a noncommittal noise and let his head rest against the sofa. “She seems fine to me, to be honest. But I’m not sure why she left Manchester. There might be something there.”

Arthur sighed. “She didn’t tell me she was back, Merlin.” He sounded too small, too broken for Merlin’s likes. He preferred Arthur loud and rude and boisterous, all laughter and insults and big hand gestures. Hurt Arthur always made something in his chest clench uncomfortably.

Merlin patted Arthur’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sure she must have had a good reason for it. It’s not your fault, she has had a difficult time.” Which sadly was all too true. Since her parent’s death Morgana had been restless and hurt. From what Merlin had heard through Arthur she had been trying to find her place for quite some time. 

Arthur said nothing, and simply continued to stare at the screen with vacant eyes, thoughts anywhere but on the movie.

“Maybe this thing with Gwen is a good thing,” Merlin ventured cautiously. “They seem quite smitten with each other. I think it will be good for Morgana, if it works out.”

Arthur hesitated, then nodded.

Merlin felt Arthur’s forehead again. “Is your fever coming back?”

Of all things this was what finally made Arthur turn over and grin up at Merlin. “You know what that means, right?” He coughed demonstratively. “I’m ill, I can’t _possibly_ do the cleanup.”

Merlin felt his eyes widen. “Oh no you don’t!” he protested and poked Arthur’s chest with his index finger. “You don’t get to hoist this off on me, you made the mess, you clean it!”

“C’mon now _Mer_ lin,” Arthur drawled, eyes bright and feverish, “You know cleaning my messes is the only thing I keep you around for.”

Merlin scowled at him. “Not this time.”

Merlin ended up doing the cleanup. Granted, his idea of ‘doing the cleanup’ involved shoving the pieces of popcorn around the living room until he guessed he had most of them in a pile and stuffing them into the bin. He decided the rest could be done later, which probably meant never.

He also fed Arthur his medicine and tucked him into bed.

“This is the last time,” he told sleepy Arthur sternly. “I am not your personal maid, you prat.” 

Arthur turned to his side and cuddled into his pillow. This position would not last long, Merlin knew that. Arthur was the kind of sleeper who sprawled all over the bed and kept kicking off his blankets until every demon and serial killer could get to him. It was a habit Merlin had never understood. Personally he preferred wrapping himself in a cocoon of blankets to feel absolutely safe. 

“No, you’re my personal Merlin,” Arthur muttered and really, who could argue with that.

 

***

 

The next morning Arthur was still suffering from a persistent cough, but he insisted that he was completely recovered and ready to tackle the day. Merlin had a suspicion that there was something more to it than a sudden need to go to class and was proved right over breakfast.

Between taking a hearty gulp of his tea and gobbling down one apple in two bites Arthur casually slipped into the conversation that they might as well “take a look at that bookshop after classes, see what kind of stuff they‘ve got.”

Merlin studied Arthur over the rim of his mug and considered not calling him out on his true motivations, then dismissed the idea. He grinned. “Of course, you want to see the _books_. I’m sure that’s it. It’s not about your sister whom you haven’t seen for years.”

“Half-sister,” Arthur corrected, still noticeably weakened from his cold, but definitely on the way to regain his usual cockiness. “Really _Mer_ lin, I thought you would know that after all this time.”

Merlin sighed and put down his mug. “What if she doesn’t want to see you?” Which was a possibility. Morgana had gone through a phase where she had shunned Arthur with all her might, for no possible discernible reason.

Arthur frowned. “Well, _I_ want to see _her,_ ” he stated as if it settled the matter, and he guessed for Arthur it did. “Besides, she might not even work today.” 

Merlin scratched his head. “She does, I think. She said something to Gwen and me yesterday.”

Arthur visibly perked up. “Well in _that_ case,” he said, and promptly downed the rest of his tea, and grabbed his bag and coat, turning towards Merlin. “ _Well?_ We don’t have all day, you know.” 

“Are you even going to put away your mug?” 

Arthur made a dismissive hand gesture. “I’ll do that later.”

He would not, so Merlin got up and placed both their mugs in the sink. He pretended he would rinse them later, but he knew that they would sit there and accumulate all the mugs they had until Arthur and Merlin had no other choice but clean them to avoid having to drink their tea out of cereal bowls.

Merlin got his things and was about to head out when Arthur shot out a hand. “Hold on! Give me your scarf.”

Now this was a request Merlin would not hesitate to grant, so he grabbed his biggest, fluffiest scarf, which happened to be the one Arthur had given him, and threw it towards Arthur, who got a face full of scarf. He wrapped himself into a purple one that Gwaine had personally knitted for him two years ago. It was lumpy and had holes in certain places, but it had taken Gwaine half a year to finish and Merlin was the last person who would shun a person’s sincere efforts because of one or two mistakes.

“What, you’re not going to help me put it on?” Arthur protested.

“No. Now hurry up or you’ll be late to _International Business Management._ ”

Arthur pouted. “I hate International Business Management. ”But he let Merlin push him out of the door into the cold outside.

Although Arthur managed to accidentally offend two freshers, steal Merlin’s chicken from his salad, kidnap his gloves, and mess up Merlin‘s hair five times in three hours they got through the day relatively well. Merlin got his mark for his English Lit essay and it was pretty good. All in all it was a good day, even if his hair was a hopeless case by lunch and he was perpetually freezing.

And that Arthur was finally up and about again after being confined to his bed and out of Merlin’s reach for what had felt like weeks had nothing to do with Merlin’s mood.

Not at all.

They both were done by four o’clock. They met up in front of the building, like they always did. Arthur was waiting for Merlin, half his face hidden by the humongous scarf, as Gwen beamed at Merlin from her spot next to Arthur.

Merlin considered waving, but was reluctant to remove his hands from their places inside his toasty pockets. Instead he just nodded and grinned at them in a way that most likely looked a bit demented, judging by Arthur’s facial expression.

He came to a stop in front of them, not once removing the grin from his face.

“Hey Gwen,” he greeted, then nodded at Arthur, “clotpole.” 

Arthur’s arm swung out to swipe at Merlin‘s head, but was expertly dodged. He kept his focus on Gwen, his big grin almost hurting his cold cheeks. “What lucky circumstances caused us to be able to enjoy the honour of your presence?” 

Arthur huffed but Gwen smiled, which had been his ultimate goal.

“Somebody told me you might be swinging by That Bookshop later on, so I thought I’d join you.”

 _That Bookshop_ , Merlin thought. They had only been to the place once and it had already acquired it’s very own capital letters.

“Actually—” he started to say.

He was about to make a very good argument about why all of them should be going to the library instead when Arthur slung his arm around Merlin’s shoulder and successfully interrupted him.  “Of course, let‘s go.”

Bemused Merlin just let himself be pulled along.

“I do actually have an essay to write, you know,” he told Arthur whose arm curiously still had not moved from Merlin’s shoulder.

Arthur rolled his eyes. “ _Yes Merlin_ , I know this is a vital part of your quest _How_ of‘ _to be the nerdiest of them_ _all_ ’ but this is important you know.”

Merlin simply huffed and exchanged a meaningful look with Gwen, which involved a lot of eyebrow waggling and exasperated looks at his end and a lot of patient sighing and kind half-smiles on hers. He came out of the exchange feeling slightly patronised and a bit sheepish, which was par of the course with Gwen.

They stopped at a traffic light and Merlin regained his senses enough to look around and frown. “Hold on, Arthur, do you even know where we need to go?”

It turned out Arthur did not. They eventually managed to find out which way to go, despite Arthur‘s insistence that “I know perfectly well where I’m going, thank you _Mer_ lin, just because my sense of direction is _unconventional_ _—_ ”

“Don’t you mean _nonexistent_?” Merlin interrupted.

“Don’t think I’m above flogging you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, _Sire._ ”

Gwen threw her hands in the air. “If you two could stop flirting for _one_ _minute_ maybe we could get inside so that I can _start flirting_?”

Merlin grinned. “Bossy.” But he did hold open the door for her before hurrying inside. One more minute in the cold winter air and he was sure his nose would fall off.

“Are we sure this is November?” he complained. ”I thought frozen limbs and death by cold don’t start happening before December. 

Arthur unwrapped himself and thrust the scarf into Merlin’s arms. “Do shut up Merlin.”

Merlin would have protested but it would have been for naught since both of his companions had shifted their attention from him to Morgana, who was standing behind the counter looking at them strangely. She seemed torn between being elated at Gwen‘s presence and wary at Arthur‘s. The result was a facial expression that looked vaguely constipated.

“Morgana.” Arthur stepped forward and her face changed from constipated to looking as if she had a nasty stomach ache.

“Arthur,” she answered tersely, and Merlin took that as his cue.

“Hey Gwen, there are some really cool books back there. Let’s go look at them.” He grabbed her arm and pulled her through the gaps in the shelves to get as far from the sibling reunion as possible. As they passed Arthur, Merlin squeezed his shoulder and received a slight smile and nod as an answer.

Gwen and Merlin found two adjacent armchairs and cuddled up in them. Both of them had quilts draped over them and Merlin wrapped himself up in one with wolves stitched all over it. They did not talk, both of them lost in their thoughts, but it was a comfortable silence. At one point Merlin began to randomly pull out books within his reach and read them out to Gwen with his best dramatic voices until she was giggling so hard that tears were running down her face.

Just when he was getting into his dramatic reading of Fifty Shades of Grey, Arthur’s voice boomed through the bookshop. 

 _“_ _Merlin!_ ”

Gwen flinched, but Merlin who was used to it did not even falter. He simply sighed and closed the book. “It seems his majesty demands our attention.”

“I swear you are so whipped, Merlin,” Gwen said with a smile as they made her way back to the front of the shop. Trailing in her wake Merlin decided to take the book with him, just as a little funny gift for Christmas.

Merlin was relieved to see that Morgana and Arthur looked less like one of them was about to jump out of the window to get away from the other and more simply uncomfortable. When he turned the corner, Arthur‘s face lit up and he jumped at the chance to get out of the awkward situation he had voluntarily manoeuvred himself into. 

“Merlin! There you are, I thought we had lost you between all those shelves!”

“Don’t worry, I won‘t get lost in a small shop. I’m not you, after all.”

Arthur looked determined to give a particularly witty retort, but before he could the bell above the door jingled and inside with a gust of wind and a big box in his arms came Elyan.

“Morgana, I got the stuff you asked for, where do you want me—oh hi Arthur, Merlin. Hi Gwen.”

Morgana gave her best predatory smile. “Oh, you know Elyan... everywhere we can possible imagine. I’m not picky as long as it involves being naked.”

Elyan seemed entirely unfazed by Morgana‘s comment while Gwen turned bright red. No doubt she was imagining various scenarios which would involve Morgana sans clothes. Arthur looked vaguely ill. 

“I think I could have happily lived my life without ever hearing my sister flirt with Gwen’s brother.”

Morgana rolled her eyes. “Oh Arthur, we can’t always respect your dainty constitution.”

Arthur’s face turned a fascinating colour at being called ‘dainty.’ Merlin bit on his fist trying to stop himself from laughing out loud.

After a few tense seconds of silence in which Arthur tried to come up with something to say and Merlin tried to breathe Arthur snapped at him. “Stop laughing, you idiot.”

“It’s not my fault!” Merlin protested indignantly, or would have liked to but his giggles still kept bubbling up and disrupting his words. “You should have seen your face!”

“Oh, so now it’s _my face_ _’_ _s_ fault?"

“In my opinion, everything is your face’s fault, to be quite honest.” 

Elyan cleared his throat. “I don’t want to interrupt your domestic, but this thing is heavy. Morgana?”

“Ah right, through here, let me have a look.”

Since the aisles were really cramped Merlin and Arthur ended up pressed side to side to make it possible for Elyan to pass by them. Merlin nibbled on his lip and tried to act as if he was unaffected by it, but Arthur’s hand was brushing his and his insides were doing funny things. When he looked over at him Arthur had the nerve to wink.

If someday he were to die of a heart attack Merlin would not even be surprised. No heart should be able to bear the stress that Arthur‘s existence put it under.

“If you two are done being flirty and cute over there come help us unpack this thing,” Gwen said.

It turned out that the box was full of donated books. Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, and Elyan were somehow coerced into spending the rest of their afternoon sorting them into the shelves Morgana directed them to.

“You know, you could do some work too, not just sit there and boss us around,” Merlin suggested at one point while trying to squeeze one more book into the historical romance section.

Morgana just smiled and sipped from her cup of coffee. “But Merlin, how would you know what to do otherwise? Plus, the view is so nice from here.” She winked at Gwen who was just bending down to pick up a book.

Gwen immediately righted herself and pulled up her shirt that had ridden down to reveal parts of her bra.

She flushed as Morgana smirked at her.

“Disturbing,” Arthur murmured, and Merlin had to agree. 

Morgana twisted around to yell into the back room where Elyan was busy trying to wrangle the kettle into submission. “Oi, Elyan, do you think you could make one more of those quilts? I just realised the armchair by the window doesn’t have one yet.”

Merlin dropped the book that he had been about to sort and turned to Elyan, who was emerging from the back holding two cups. “You made those quilts?”

Elyan looked slightly embarrassed. He handed one cup of tea to Gwen and one to Merlin. “I did.”

Merlin wrapped his hands around the cup and basked in the warmth emanating from it. “You’re amazing,” he told Elyan. “Please marry me.”

Elyan laughed. “I would, but sadly I am under the impression that you are already married.”

Merlin waved it away. “Arthur can budge up. I don’t need him. He can’t make quilts.” 

Arthur snagged the cup from Merlin’s hand and quirked an eyebrow. “Gee Merlin, don’t hold back.”He took a sip from his tea and his eyes widened. “Never mind that, this tea is amazing, please marry me Elyan.”

“You could share me,” Elyan suggested and smiled at them. “Morgana, where should I put this really old bible?”

“Up your arse,” Morgana suggested sweetly and Gwen laughed. 

Merlin watched Arthur trying to haggle over Elyan with Morgana, who was refusing to sell her only employee. This, he realised, might just be the best winter he had had in quite some time.

Little did he know there would even be snow on Christmas.

 


	2. Biscuits

The airport was so crowded that Merlin had resorted to keeping Arthur’s sleeve in a tight grip to avoid losing him. He did not want a repeat of the Great Airport Debacle of 2011 when he had gone to pick up his mum when she came back from Hawaii. Arthur was still laughing at him for it.

“Are you sure it’s gate three?” he asked for the third time, still not really comfortable with Arthur leading them around.

Arthur groaned. “Yes I am. You could trust me a little sometimes, you know.”

“Well if you would act more like a normal person and less like a complete cabbage-head then maybe I would.” Merlin retorted but there was no heat in it. His hand was sweaty from excitement and the big sign he had designed together with Gwen during long nights of ice cream and TV shows kept slipping from his grasp.

Arthur sighed. “It’s gate three Merlin, I promise. I cross-checked three times and I even asked the attendant at the info desk. We won’t miss him.”

Merlin bit his lip and stood on his tiptoes to look around. “When’s he supposed to arrive?”

Arthur checked his watch and did not comment on the fact that Merlin still had not let go of his shirtsleeve. “Twenty minutes. You want something to eat?” He indicated towards the bakery only a few metres from where they were standing. Merlin had not been able to eat breakfast that day because he had been so excited.

“Maybe a sandwich?” he asked and got one of Arthur’s soft smiles in return.

“Gotcha.” He ruffled Merlin‘s hair. “Hold our spot, Harry Potter, I’ll be right back.”

“I hate you!” Merlin yelled after him but Arthur simply laughed at him while weaving through the crowd. His hair looked fabulous in the clear winter light falling through the roof lights. Damn him.

Merlin tried to flatten down his own unruly mop of hair but it was useless. He didn't even know why he was so nervous, it was just Gwaine for god’s sake. Still his heart had been threatening to beat out of his chest all morning.

Who was he even kidding, he missed the noisy bugger since he'd been away. What if he had changed a lot? What if he didn't miss Merlin and Arthur at all? What if he had newer, cooler friends and would be embarrassed by them? What if—

“I could hear you thinking all the way to the bakery.” Arthur said, mysteriously reappearing behind Merlin and making him jump. “There’s your sandwich. It's your favourite, pickles and cheese.”

Merlin took it from him gratefully. ”The smelly kind?”

“The smelly kind.” Arthur confirmed with a wrinkled nose. “It’s disgusting, I don’t know how you can stand it.”

“Well I can stand you,” Merlin said with a full mouth. “So stinky, disgusting cheese does not really compare.” Some lettuce fell out of his mouth and got stuck on his chin.

“Charming,” Arthur said and handed him a napkin. “I would say get rid of the mess on your face but I’m afraid only a plastic surgeon can fix that, so at least take care of the food that missed your mouth.”

“You can talk, Mr.Crooked-teeth-are-sexy-okay.”

“They are, they give me a boyish charm. It’s not my fault that there‘s something wrong with your eyes.”

“It’s not my eyes’ fault there’s something wrong with your face,” Merlin said holding out his sandwich. “Want some?”

“No thank you, it‘s enough if one of us has bad breath.”

“You’re right.” Merlin agreed. “You stink enough without it.”

“Are you calling me stinky?” Arthur asked, mock-anger turning a few heads around them.

“Yes.” Merlin replied. “Besides, I’m a growing boy so I need my nutrition. You on the other hand have had quite enough of that.”

Arthur threw his hands up. “Oh, so now you’re calling me fat as well?”

“No, you just said that all on your own.” Merlin swallowed the last bit of his sandwich, feeling a bit better and more stable with something in his stomach. “Oops, I ate it all. You should have been nicer to me if you wanted some of that.”

Arthur huffed. “Child.”

Merlin stuck out his tongue at him and Arthur threw his head back and laughed.

Then Arthur got quiet. Merlin watched him bite on his tongue, thrust his hands in his pockets and rock back on his heels. This was Arthur’s okay-that’s-enough-joking-I-wanna-tell-you-this-seriously-serious-thing-but-am-really-uncomfortable-because-I-am-incapable-of-doing-feelings-properly-behaviour. Merlin had seen it plenty of times in the past years and he knew by now that it was best to just wait it out. Arthur might be a blundering idiot when it came to feelings but he was a well-meaning idiot with a good heart. Even if he put his foot in his mouth more often than Merlin could count.

But he was getting side-tracked here. Good heart, that was the point.

Finally Arthur’s eyes snapped up to him again and he ruffled his hair with one hand.

“Right, Merlin, you’re nervous. I can see that. I just... I just wanted to say that—you needn’t be.”

Merlin’s eyes widened and he felt a smile trying to creep up on him. He beat it into submission. Arthur looked miserable. He obviously wanted to make his point and was therefore unable to stop talking until Merlin gave him a sign that he had understood what Arthur was trying to communicate. But Merlin was not yet ready to release him of his misery, so he did his best to keep a neutral face.

Arthur scratched his neck. “I mean, we all know Gwaine adores you. It’s seriously creepy sometimes, like he’s looking at a kitten or a baby duck or—” Arthur was getting side-tracked and Merlin cleared his throat.

“Oh right,” Arthur said, looking embarrassed. “Anyway, just because he was gone for a few months doesn‘t mean that he forgot all about you or something. You skyped every week for god’s sake! Besides, don’t they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

At that Merlin could no longer keep his poker face. Arthur looked immeasurably relieved to see the smile on Merlin’s face and grinned at him.

“If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then why haven’t I already packed you into a plane and sent you to Timbuktu?” Merlin asked lightly and linked arms with Arthur as they turned to face the arrival gate.

“That’s the question,” Arthur said, squeezing Merlin’s hand briefly with his before stuffing it into his pocket again. “Maybe if you weren’t constantly pestering me I might actually be able to stand you.”

Neither of them mentioned the time Uther had decided to send Arthur to boarding school in the North in year seven, which had ultimately resulted in Arthur climbing out of his bedroom window the first night, sneaking onto a train and walking for four hours to throw pebbles at Merlin‘s window, which scared the crap out of Merlin and his mum.

The rest of their wait went by relatively peaceful until the announcement that the plane had touched down rattled through the speakers. Merlin panicked at that and spent the next minutes frantically trying to find the best way to hold up the gigantic sign saying: “Welcome home, Gwaine!” - He ended up bribing Arthur with Gwen’s chocolate biscuits to hold it up above their heads with both hands so that Merlin would have his arms free for frantic waving and eventual hugging.

He very skilfully ignored Arthur’s grumpy face and the fact that Gwen’s chocolate biscuits were not technically his to bribe people with.

Merlin was already tall and lanky, but he kept getting up on his tiptoes to try and see better. Which was a bit superfluous since they had already jostled their way to the front right behind the barrier.

When people started coming out of the gate Merlin resorted to jumping to look over everyone‘s heads. He was determined to see Gwaine the second he stepped through the gates. Thankfully both of Arthur’s hands were occupied with sign-holding and therefore not free to hit Merlin to stop him from making a spectacle of himself.

Suddenly, Merlin’s face split into a grin the size of a small country.

“Gwaine!” he yelled, waving frantically. “Over here!”

A grinning Gwaine emerged from the sea of indiscernible faces. His hair was a bit longer and a bit lighter, probably bleached from the sun. He had more stubble than usual and he had a tan, but all in all he looked just the same as he had months ago when they had seen him off.

Back then Arthur had been forced to feed Merlin chocolate until he calmed down. It had taken Merlin months until he could carry a conversation without sighing sadly every time Gwaine‘s name came up. Apart from Arthur, who could almost be considered an extension of Merlin, Gwaine was his best friend.

Gwaine didn't pay the barrier between them any mind and drew Merlin into a crushing hug. He still smelled like coconut shampoo, aftershave, and fresh air.

Merlin maybe shed one tear. Just one was alright, he told himself, as they pulled apart. One was still manly.

Alright, maybe it was two. He surreptitiously wiped his eyes.

Gwaine turned to Arthur and his grin became even wider. “Princess! How great it is to see you again, my life was empty without your wit and charm!”

Arthur rolled his eyes before hugging Gwaine.

“Ha ha. You’re still not funny.”

“Still funnier than you,” Gwaine retorted without a pause. “And prettier, coming to think of it.”

“Oh god, I forgot how much you talk, please get on the next plane and leave us in peace.”

Gwaine wrapped an arm around Merlin‘s shoulder. “And leave my beloved Merlin? Not for all the money in the world, mate.”

Merlin beamed and even let his hair be ruffled without comment. Really, people had to find another way to express their affection for him. His hairstyle was a perpetual disaster these days.

Arthur frowned and looked around. “Gwaine? I don’t want to be a spoilsport but don’t you think you’ve forgotten something?”

Now that Arthur mentioned it Merlin realised that Gwaine did not seem to have his luggage with him.

Gwaine looked entirely unconcerned. “Ah, Perce said he would take care of that for me.”

Two pairs of eyes stared at him blankly.

“Who?”

Gwaine flicked his hair back. “Perce. Percival. I met him on the plane.”

Arthur stared at him in disbelief and Merlin had a feeling his own face mirrored the expression. “You just trusted a stranger with all your possessions?”

Gwaine laughed at them as if they were the ones being unreasonable. “Percy is no stranger. He actually attends our university. And he‘s great, he has this wicked thing he does with his tongue—”

Arthur held up his hand. “Alright stop, please spare me the details.”

Gwaine winked at Merlin, then his eyes caught on someone in the crowd and he waved them over. “Oi, Perce, over here!”

A really tall man came towards them, two suitcases in his hands. He smiled at them all and then handed Gwaine his suitcase. “This is heavy,”he warned. Gwaine just shrugged.

“I can do heavy lifting,” Gwaine said, then almost dropped the suitcase on his foot with a curse.

Merlin and Arthur wisely refrained from commenting.

“Thanks, you’re the best,” Gwaine grinned as he got a better grip on his suitcase. Merlin had almost forgotten how often Gwaine grinned and how contagious it was. He felt his own lips twitch just watching him.

Gwaine gestured to Merlin and Arthur. “Percy, those two idiots are my favourite elderly couple. Merls, Princess, meet Percy Larsson, my new friend.”

In Gwaine‘s book ‘friend’ could mean anything. His eyes were twinkling too much for Merlin’s comfort but he had learned the hard way that Gwaine‘s boundaries when it came to his sexual exploits were completely and utterly non-existent, so he didn't ask.

They exchanged their nice-to-meet-you’s and no-we‘re-not-actually-married-it‘s-just-something-people-say and for-god‘s-sake-Gwaine-we‘re-only-twenty-two (for some reason Arthur was kind of touchy about his age at times).

Percy actually seemed like a nice guy and they chatted amicably while making their way to the exits. Merlin, high on endorphins, kept telling stupid stories about his many awkward moments. At one point he had turned around, walking backwards so he could face the other three and gesture wildly at the same time. Arthur was steering him carefully with a hand at his elbow.

He was in the middle of the story of how he had lost his shoe on the stairs leading up to the university and the oldest, strictest professor had found and returned it in a very princely manner when he bumped into someone. Merlin stumbled and flailed only just managing to catch himself and save his face from colliding with the floor.

“Ouch.”

Arthur immediately crouched down to check if he was alright.

“Watch where you’re going,” he bit out in the general direction of the person Merlin had collided with as he helped Merlin up. They started identifying all the places Merlin was scratched or bleeding and carefully put on the plasters Arthur always kept in his pockets.

“Ha, ha, aren‘t you hilarious.”

The other person did not sound particularly amused. Arthur turned and opened his mouth in preparation of thoroughly insulting the other person’s intelligence, clumsiness and general life-choices. Merlin peeked around him to see what was going on.

The other person, also sitting on the floor, was blonde, on the small side and dressed in a bright orange jumper and jeans. Scattered a few feet from her was her white cane.

Arthur snapped his mouth shut as it dawned on him that he was about to rip into a blind girl, who didn't seem to be much older than they were, for not looking where she was going.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry—” he started, but Gwaine was faster. He crouched down next to the girl.

“Now Arthur, that’s really no way to talk to a lady,” he admonished and crouched down in front of her. He carefully handed back her cane. “There you go, love.”

The girl frowned. “I don’t think I know you.”

“I’m Gwaine.” He extended his hand, then seemed to reconsider it. When he was about to pull it back the girl reached for it and shook it.

“Elena,” she said. “I’m terribly sorry for all this, really. I don’t do well in crowded places.” She looked sheepish.

“I’m really sorry. I should have looked where I was going,”Merlin said, feeling terrible.

“Merlin, stop fluttering your hands about like a frazzled scullery maid, or I swear I will stick this on your mouth instead of on that scratch.”

Merlin obediently stilled and let Arthur put on the last plaster.

Gwaine helped Elena up. Some blonde strands had escaped from her ponytail and she frantically tried to restore some order to her hair.

“No really, no hard feelings. To be quite honest I‘m terribly clumsy, this happens to me a lot.”

“It‘s not because of the—er—” Merlin helplessly gestured towards the cane. A second later he just wanted to slap himself. Really, how insensitive could he be?

“Oh, that just adds to it,” Elena said brightly.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably next to Merlin. “I apologise,” he said stiffly. Admitting he was in the wrong had never been Arthur’s strong suit. “I was rude and inconsiderate, I should not have—”

Elena smiled at him. “It’s fine, really.”

There was an awkward silence.

Elena gestured towards the exits. “I should really—”

“And rob us of such a charming companion?” Gwaine protested. “That would be such a shame. Why not join us for some lunch?”

Merlin would have questioned the wisdom of flirting with someone new while the person you had picked up only hours earlier was standing by, but Percival did not seem bothered.

“I—I’m not sure, I wouldn’t want to impose...”

“My treat.” Merlin suggested. “It’s the least I can do after I ran you over.”

They ended up in a pub a short way from the airport. Arthur kept stealing Merlin’s chips, but Merlin was not too annoyed by it. Elena proved to be charming, funny and sweet. Gwaine hung onto her every word. Percival kept getting up to get their drinks refilled and was generally the nicest person Merlin had ever met.

“I guess it‘s not only Percy‘s hands that are big,” he murmured to Arthur at one point.

Arthur groaned. “I will pour this beer over your head, Merlin. I‘m not even kidding.”

“I meant his heart!”

 

***

 

Just like that a group was formed. Over the next few days Merlin and Arthur were hardly ever alone as either Gwen was with them, or Morgana (she and Arthur were still awkward but it was slowly improving) or Gwaine, and Gwaine rarely went anywhere without Percy these days. Elena just seemed to sort of turn up wherever they were. Merlin had the suspicion that Gwen was constantly texting her. Those two had hit it off so well it was scary.

One week later Merlin found himself in a dusty armchair in the equally dusty Bookshop. A golden retriever had cuddled up to his feet and Arthur’s hard head was leaning against his legs. Gwen had made herself comfortable on the floor, steadily growing piles of books surrounding her. Percival and her were sorting them according to likeliness of unicorns appearing in them. It apparently had something to do with a young cousin of Gwen‘s, but Merlin had not paid too much attention to their explanation. Instead he had been listening to Gwaine telling lewd jokes from the opposing stuffed chair while Elyan kept interrupting him to tell him that he was disgusting and that his stories sounded highly made up. Gwaine sounded very insulted by this, offering Elyan pictures to prove he was telling the truth. Elyan was smart enough to decline the offer. Elena was sitting on the window sill, knitting.

Morgana, on the other hand, was towering over them, looking as if they had personally killed her pet hamster, grated it into fine dust and sprinkled it over pizza. Merlin said as much.

“You‘re sick,” Arthur informed him. “Hey, did you read this one?” He held up yet another book about zombies.

“I can‘t do business like this!” Morgana exclaimed for what felt like the tenth time in as many minutes. “Seriously, you're scaring off my customers.” 

No one made a move to leave. Gwen turned a page. 

“There are mermaids in this,” she said to Percy. “Do you think mermaids are good?” 

Percy shook his head. “I’m afraid not. They don’t have the power to heal.”

Gwen nodded thoughtfully and put the book on the no-good pile.

Morgana looked livid.

“If we leave, Gwen comes with us,” Gwaine declared with a smirk. Gwen looked up, trying to understand what was going on.

“No Gwen can stay,” Morgana answered a little too quickly. Gwen blushed. “But you guys are getting on my nerves.”

Elena smiled at her. “I don’t want to be annoying, but you’ve had three customers since we’ve been here and all of them bought something. If anything I think we’re good for business.”

Everyone nodded. Gwaine flipped his hair. “I know I’m good for business. You can’t see it, El, but I’m gorgeous.”

Elena smiled in his general direction like one might smile at a child that kept insisting it had fought against werewolves all on their own when the mother had popped round to the shops. “That’s what you keep saying, but I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Rude.”

Merlin did not quite know how he had ended up here on a weekday, when there were so many other things he had to do before the holidays began. He had to study, for one, and also he had not had a properly cooked meal in days and the pile of dirty socks next to his bed was reaching truly alarming heights. Instead he was cosied up in an armchair that was so soft that Merlin had the suspicion that one might sink deep enough into it to end up in Narnia if one was not careful.

He had no idea what he was doing here. 

No, hold on, that was not true. He knew all too well how he had ended up here; —it had started three days prior and, to be quite honest, it was all Elyan’s fault.

 

***

 

_How It All Started (According to Merlin):_

_(two days ago)_

 

When Merlin heard Arthur come back to the flat it was cosy, warm, and smelled of Christmas biscuits. East Enders was on the TV and there was flour on every possible surface. 

“Merlin!”

“I'm busy!” Merlin yelled back from the kitche. He was standing by the oven and was trying to remove a hot tray without singeing his hair or burning his hands. He managed, but only barely.

The real problem, he realised when he straightened and looked around was trying to find a place to put the baking tray. There was not a single free surface left. At some point he even seemed to have thought putting a tray on top of the fridge was a good idea.

“Huh, when did this happen?” Merlin wondered aloud as he took in the kitchen. Or at least what was still visible beneath the innumerable amount of bowls and plates and trays full of biscuits. “I swear there wasn’t this much the last time I looked.”

Arthur, who was standing by the door as if he was too scared to so much as set foot into the kitchen, looked as if he was considering hitting his head against the door frame. “Merlin you did it again. I swear I’m getting rid of you.”

Merlin delicately placed the tray on the floor (it was tiles, it would be okay, he reasoned). He stood with his hands on his hips and lifted his chin challengingly.

“I’m sorry, do you have a problem?”

Arthur massaged the space between his eyebrows. “And you wonder why people always say you’re the wife. Look at this!” He gesticulated wildly, as if trying to encompass the whole ridiculousness that had become their kitchen. Merlin had even done the dishes to be able to balance a tray on their sink, which admittedly had been a rather drastic measure to take.

“My tendency to bake a little too much has absolutely nothing to do with my gender,” Merlin complained. “I wish people would stop saying that.”

“A _little_ too much ?” Arthur choked out. “I don’t know if you have opened your eyes lately, Merlin, but this is not a little.”

Alright, Merlin could admit that he might have gone a little too far with the baking this time. As far as he could see from his spot by the oven there were a few hundred biscuits, muffins and baked goods of all kinds scattered around the kitchen. 

If he thought about it he remembered that he had gone down to the shops five times that day, which in retrospect did seem a bit excessive. The cashier had even asked if Merlin was throwing a party at some point. His big smile had rapidly dimmed at Merlin’s uncomprehending look.

By looking at the kitchen in its current state Merlin might have understood what the poor guy had been getting at.

But really, Arthur did not have to overreact like that. Merlin was a little miffed. After all for all his complaining Arthur always seemed to really enjoy eating the fruits of Merlin’s labour.

“I try to avoid opening my eyes,” he snapped. “Every time I do I see you and I immediately regret it.”

“Wonderful,” Arthur said. “So tell me, what was it this time? Did we leave an ornament under the sofa again? Or was there someone wearing a Christmas scarf on the streets?”

Merlin considered denying everything. He glanced at Arthur’s face and the exasperated look he found there told him he would not get away with it. There was nothing for it.

“Our neighbour was singing Carol of the Bells when I went out today,”he admitted. “It just got me in the mood.”

“Of course,” Arthur sighed. Merlin thought he was taking this rather well, all things considered. Last year’s baking escalation had left them with only half as many biscuits. “So, what are we going to do about this?”

“Erm...” Merlin said. “Give it to Gwen?”

 

 

***

 

_(one day ago)_

"No," Gwen said. "Absolutely not."

 Merlin gave her the puppy eyes.

“No, Merlin,” she said and it sounded final. “I appreciate the offer, I really do, but this is the fourth bag of biscuits you have given me this morning alone. I haven’t even made a dent in the first one!”

He pouted and her eyes softened a bit. “I‘m sorry, Merlin. Maybe you’ll find someone else to give this to.”

“I told you,” Arthur said looking smug. He was munching on some shortbread. “Nobody can eat that many biscuits.”

Merlin gave him the stink-eye. “You seem to have no problem trying.” he said frostily. “You do realise that you’re not getting any slimmer that way?”

Arthur looked up to the sky as if hoping that someone would descend and save him. Nothing of the sort happened. “He‘s calling me fat again! I am fighting fit!”

Gwen shook her head at them. “You two, honestly.”

She snagged one of Arthur’s shortbreads, who looked affronted. As if he did not have a seemingly endless supply of them at his disposal courtesy to his ever-patient and admirable flatmate.

“Your baking is amazing,” she told Merlin, something like regret in her eyes. “but it‘s just too much for one person to eat. Or three.”

“Told you.” Arthur was smirking so obnoxiously that Merlin simply had to take the biscuits from him just to see that smirk fall. He bit into one himself. He hated it, but Gwen was right. There was no way the three of them could eat all that.

Which did give Merlin an idea.

He spent the rest of his day frantically hurrying around campus. It was not difficult to track down Gwaine, all he had to do was follow the giggling, blushing and swooning girls (and boys) Gwaine always inevitably left in his wake. And as was usual as of late where Gwaine was Percival was not far.

Merlin handed out biscuits left and right and when he left the two of them (and their admirers, who seemed to have taken quite the shine to Percy as well) his pockets felt a lot lighter. 

Then Merlin ran into Elena, although not literally this time thank heavens. She was without her white cane but with her guide dog instead. 

After having received permission, Merlin spent longer than he would have liked to admit cuddling the dog, who was aptly called ‘Biscuit.' He gave Elena as many biscuits as she would accept and moved on.

At that point he was so close to The Bookshop that he decided he might as well pop over.

He found Elyan and Morgana deep in a discussion about different kinds of book bindings.

Merlin slowly crept inside the shop. He kept close to the shelves and in the shadows, feeling very mysterious and spy-like. He carefully hid a few bags of the biscuits and prepared to slip out again when his phone buzzed.

With reflexes worthy of a ninja Merlin jumped behind a shelf and fished his phone out of his pocket before Morgana or Elyan could catch him. He didn't exactly know why he was hiding, but now that he had started it was too fun to stop.

“Yes?” he answered the phone in a whisper. “What is it?”

“Merlin?” Arthur asked, sounding only slightly confused. “Why are you whispering?”

Merlin peered around a shelf towards the front of the shop where Elyan had begun making his point by repeatedly moving his hands through the air in a slicing motion. 

“It‘s complicated,” Merlin whispered.

“You’re hiding in The Bookshop aren‘t you?”

Merlin straightened in surprise. “How did you know?”

He heard Arthur sighing at the other end of the line. "Anyway, just get yourself home already, you have to light the first candle on the thing—"

"Menorah," Merlin supplied.

"Yeah, that, and if you're not here in half an hour I'll eat all the potato pancakes." 

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me." 

“Merlin?” Merlin almost jumped as Elyan suddenly appeared next to him.

“Sorry Arthur, I'll call you back, bye.” 

"Half an hour!" Arthur reminded before Merlin cut the connection. Merlin turned to Elyan and gave him a smile and an awkward wave.

“Tell him to come out from over there,” Morgana yelled. “He isn't fooling anyone.”

Merlin decided to foray past the protection of the shelves and found Morgana leaning against the counter. Her arms were crossed and bags of biscuits were scattered all around her. Maybe his hiding places hadn’t been that good after all.

Seeing them all together like that it truly was a disturbing amount of biscuits. And it was only a part of his huge stash.

“I really do have a problem.” he murmured and took in all those shortbreads, gingerbread men, Christmas tree cut-outs, biscotti, crescent biscuits, ginger biscuits, orange chocolate cookies and macaroons.

Morgana lifted an eyebrow. “Does this happen often then? I thought it might be a part of your courting of Elyan. Did Arthur put you up to it?” 

Merlin bristled. “Excuse me, he doesn’t have to, I can court Elyan all on my own.” He frowned. “No, hold on, that’s not what—”

Morgana cut him off with a well practiced gesture. “What are they for then?”

Merlin shrugged, face burning. He felt foolish now, slinking around the shadows like some kind of shady Christmas elf with a book fetish.

“I just baked too many, so I thought you might like some.”

This time Morgana‘s smile was warm. “In that case thank you.”

Elyan was inspecting the biscuits, holding the bags up against the light and counting the contents. “There are too many though.”

“We’ll give the rest to the customers.” Morgana reasoned. “Although I doubt we will be getting any with you always skulking around here.”

Merlin took the hint and got lost.

 

 

***

 

_And alright, Merlin could admit that those things were actually his fault. But, of course, it did not end at that._

_(earlier that day)_

 

The next day he and Arthur ran into Gwaine and Elena having a cup of tea in the cafeteria. Percival was sitting one table over, face hidden by a book.

Merlin and Arthur were enthusiastically waved over by Gwaine, who made room for the both of them to sit.

Elena indicated towards Percival with a tilt of her head. “He doesn’t want to interrupt our ‘date.’ I told him he‘s being ridiculous but he won‘t listen.”

Arthur tried to steal Merlin‘s muffin. Merlin swatted his hand away.

“He‘s such a stickler for the rules, that one.” Gwaine said with amusement. He was faster than Arthur had been. Merlin‘s muffin was half eaten before he even knew what was going on. Mouth still half full Gwaine shouted, louder than was probably necessary: “Oi, Perce. Come over here and talk to us you big lump.” 

“No,” Percival retorted, calmly turning a page. “I’m busy and you’re rude.”

Elena laughed so hard she knocked over the sugar.

“By the way, thank you for the biscuits Merlin,” Percy said. “They were delicious.”

Merlin smiled and Arthur patted his head. “Yes, he‘s not the brightest but he can bake,”Arthur announced to the world at large, sounding as if he was doing Merlin a huge favour by admitting that.

Merlin tried to rearrange his hair into some semblance of order. “That’s not a compliment.”

“Oops.” Arthur didn't sound particularly bothered. “But it is true.”

Gwaine, who had been trying to clean up the sugar with his hands, scowled at them. “Are you trying to crash our date with your date?” he asked. “Cause if you are it‘s working, but I don’t appreciate it.” He stuck a finger into his mouth and started to meticulously remove every grain of sugar with his tongue. 

Merlin pointed at him. “You do realise the show your giving is completely pointless because Elena can‘t see it?”

“I do see a little,” Elena defended herself and Gwaine looked smug, but then she continued: “Although not you doing that. All I get are disgusting slurping sounds.”

Gwaine looked affronted, but then he grinned and continued what he was doing. “It's not completely pointless, Percival is looking after all.”

Percival turned another page and took a sip from his coffee. “No, I’m not.” 

Gwaine looked as if he was about to pout, but then he turned to Merlin and started to suggestively lick his fingers. “It‘s not pointless, after all you’re—”

Arthur covered Merlin’s eyes with his hands. “Don’t look at that Merlin, that’s not for kids.”

Gwaine dropped his hand and sighed.

“Did I just accidentally barge in on the set of a porn movie?” Elyan asked, suddenly appearing at their table. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, appearing out of nowhere. Maybe he was a secret agent. Or maybe Merlin just wasn't particularly observant. 

Elyan was sipping a cinnamon latte and carrying a backpack. The thing that caught Merlin's eye, however, was the large textbook wedged under his harm.

Elyan nodded at them in greeting and dropped the alarmingly huge book on the table only inches from Gwaine‘s hand. 

“Gwen forgot this. Who wants to go and bring it to her?”

Silence reigned supreme. None of them felt particularly inclined to leave the cosy warmth of the cafeteria and make their way to wherever the hell Gwen had ended up.

Apparently Elyan had anticipated this, as he just sighed and said: “Let me phrase this differently: Who wants to go and interrupt a date?”

 

 

***

 

_(back in the present)_

 

Which was ultimately how Merlin ended up where he was currently, sitting in a dusty old bookshop with a pissed off Morgana and a lapful of biscuit crumbs. At this point he was scared to stand up, fearing he would distribute the crumbs all over the old carpet and be slayed by Morgana where he stood for his messiness. He resigned himself to the fact that he would have to sit there forever. Which was fine since he would probably be unable to move anyway. His limbs felt heavy and Arthur’s head leaning against his knees did not help the matter.

“Alright, truth or dare?” Gwaine announced all of a sudden, breaking the comfy atmosphere. There was a collective groan. Percival even stood up to whack Gwaine over the head with his book.

Gwaine‘s enthusiasm was not quelled.

“Arthur, you start!” He announced brightly.

“Alright” Arthur said, not even looking up from the book in his lap. “I dare you to shut up.”

“I don’t think that’s how the game works.” Elena suggested mildly. “But I do share the sentiment.”Biscuit woofed at their feet.

“Come on people!” Gwaine whined. “Let‘s do this, I haven’t played this game in ages.” 

“You don’t think there‘s a reason for that?” Gwen said. “The only people who play this game are drunks, perverts and thirteen year olds. Percy, what about this one? There‘s a Pegasus.” 

Percival nodded solemnly. Gwen put it on the good pile. 

“So?” Gwaine seemed very insistent in this.

“No, let‘s play,” Morgana drawled and actually sat down cross-legged on the floor between Arthur and Gwen. “I dare you all to get your arses out of my shop right now.”

“Dare declined,” Elyan said. “Besides, I work here.”

“Speaking of work, aren‘t you supposed to be doing that? I’m pretty sure I don’t pay you for lazing around.” 

Elyan smiled brightly. “I’m on break. Besides, there’s no customers.”

“Yes” Morgana said archly. “And whose fault is that?”

“Maybe your horrible shop window‘s.” Arthur murmured and Merlin pinched his ear.

“Play nice,” he admonished.

Gwaine clapped once and sat up straight. “So, come on. Who wants to start. Merlin?”

Merlin did not want to start. But Gwaine was looking at him like that and he was feeling all relaxed and loose-limbed and somehow the 'No Gwaine, stop dicking around' turned into 'Yes, alright.' on the way from his brain to his mouth.

Everyone’s annoyance at Gwaine‘s suggestion turned into excited hooting when Merlin said yes. Elena actually dropped her knitting to rub her palms together. Merlin was seriously considering a quick escape.

Morgana evidently had the same thought. She sighed and picked herself up from the floor.

“This is it, I‘m leaving. You better not be here when I come back.” she said, sounding resigned.

Merlin looked at Arthur in the hope to find some support, but he found his eyes gleaming instead, the way he had learned to associate with lots of trouble throughout the years. 

“Oh dear. I’m regretting this already.” 

“No way out now,” Gwaine gloated. ”Truth or dare?” The rest of them sat up straighter and moved a bit closer, except Percival and Elena who stayed where they were. Merlin felt vaguely cornered.

He considered the possible damage that could be done with both of those options. 

“Dare,” he said in the hopes of it being something innocuous. The grin on Gwaine‘s face told him it was a fleeting hope.

“I dare you,” Gwaine said, and paused dramatically. “To lick five of the books in here.”

There was a stunned silence. Then Percival whacked Gwaine over the head again.

“You are sick,” Merlin said. The poor books! That was not something he wanted to inflict on any defenceless paperback.

But since a dare was a dare he did not have a choice.

The next few minutes were some of the most uncomfortable of his life. Arthur had taken the liberty of documenting the whole thing on his mobile phone so that no one would ever be able to forget how Merlin had been sneaking around the bookshop, chased by his friends‘ laughter, heart constantly threatening to jump out of his chest. The others had insisted that he bring the books they requested and lick them where they could see to prove that he had really done it. Curtesy of that particular rule Arthur was now in possession of thirteen minutes and forty-two seconds of footage of Merlin flushing, blustering and licking: Fifty Shades of Grey, A Christmas Carol, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Gwaine almost pissed himself laughing during that one and Elena fell from her windowsill), Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Collection and The Book Thief.

When it was finally over Merlin returned to his seat with dust on his tongue, a pout stuck on his face and the distinct feeling that his dignity had just packed its bags and left to take a holiday at the South Pole or some other delightfully remote place. Arthur’s face was bright red and tears of mirth were running down his face. When he intended to return to his place leaning against Merlin’s knees Merlin kicked him in the back and pulled his legs up underneath himself.

“Alright,” he said. ”My turn. And now I’m annoyed so you might want to be careful.” Nobody seemed particularly scared, but Merlin didn’t let that stop him.

He looked at the group and decided on a victim. “Elyan, truth or dare.”

Half an hour later Elyan had given them quite the performance of his five favourite songs (which included an awful lot of ABBA), Gwen had disclosed her strangest wet dream (a knowledge Merlin could very well have lived without and which made Arthur turn slightly green), Elena had emptied the surrounding shelves to trap Gwaine behind a wall of books, Gwaine had proposed to Biscuit, and Percival had taken off his t-shirt (he had some pecs to rival Gwaine‘s, who did not at all seem put out at this fact).

After closing up shop Morgana came back to see what they had been doing. She found them sitting on the floor in a corner, books surrounding them, humming Dancing Queen and appreciating Percival‘s half-naked form.

She looked as if she was considering shouting at them. “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not,” Merlin said brightly, who had perked up after he had seen everyone else get humiliated too. He patted the space on the floor next to him. For convenience he had relocated to the floor, Arthur’s head now resting on his folded legs. “Join us? We’re playing truth or dare and it‘s about to be Arthur’s turn.” 

“I...” Morgana said. ”I don’t think... I should be—oh sod it, there’s no way I would pass up the chance to embarrass Arthur.” She plonked down next to Merlin. “So, Arthur, truth or dare?”

“Oi!” Gwaine protested. “It’s Percival‘s turn—Arthur, truth or dare?”

Percival rolled his eyes, but he did not seem particularly put out that his turn had been stolen from him.

Arthur pretended to consider it. Merlin did not understand why. Everyone and their mother knew that the first thing Arthur would chose was always truth because he was operating on that weird notion that admitting to something embarrassing and lying about it to make it seem better was more tolerable than doing something embarrassing with witnesses. Merlin didn't know why Arthur even tried, he always pointed out the lies in Arthur’s stories.

“Truth.”

“May I take this one Percival?” Morgana asked. “There’s this thing that I’ve always wanted to know.”

Which was not at all a reassuring thing to hear.

Percival gestured her to go ahead.

Arthur sat up and scooted back to lean against the armchair, trying to look casual and relaxed. He might have convinced most people, but Merlin could see the tension in his jaw and shoulders.

Morgana was smirking again. Merlin was starting to really dislike that expression on her. 

“Who was your first crush?”

Merlin felt Arthur tense beside him. Somehow Morgana had managed to ask exactly the type of question Arthur hated to answer.

“Ooooh it seems I’ve hit a nerve.” Morgana innocently twirled a strand of black hair around her finger. “Maybe I should have asked Merlin, he is sure to know the answer, isn‘t he?”

Merlin was about to snap at her but Arthur’s hand on his knee silenced him. The others kept silent, confused and uncomfortable in equal measure.

“No,” Arthur said, voice deceptively strong. “No, Merlin doesn’t know. We’ve never talked about this kind of thing.”

Which didn’t mean anything, since obviously Merlin knew anyway.

Morgana looked genuinely shocked at that. “Never?”

“Never,” Arthur said, hand still on Merlin’s knee. “So leave him alone.”

Now Merlin was seriously getting pissed off. He was not a damsel in distress, thank you very much. Morgana butting in like that and asking things that were obviously uncomfortable for Arthur was making him even angrier. There was a reason after all that he had never pressured Arthur into talking about his love life, if it even existed at all. The pained look Arthur got whenever that particular topic came up had taught Merlin how to skilfully skirt around it. And now Morgana just barged in and ruined years of Merlin’s hard work.

“Drop it, Morgana,”Merlin said quietly. ”Ask another question.”

Arthur shook his head. “It‘s fine Merlin. It‘s not a hard question after all. 

Morgana sighed. “Really, you’re being overdramatic. It can’t be that bad can it? It’s such an easy question.”

“Nobody.” Arthur was looking at the floor, hands clenched together. Merlin put his hand on them. Arthur’s fingers were cold and clammy.

“Pardon?”

Merlin’s hand clenched on Arthur’s. Realising he was gripping it far too tightly to be of any comfort he forcibly relaxed his hold and started drawing little circles with his thumb. Arthur relaxed a bit at that.

“I said nobody. I never had a first crush.”

“How does that work?” Gwaine asked. “If there’s no first how can there be a second? Or a third or are fourth or—”

”Yes thank you Gwaine,” Elena interrupted. ”We do know how to count." 

Arthur shrugged, a gesture so forcibly casual that it fooled nobody. “There never has been.”

Gwaine huffed a laugh. “Are you trying to tell me that you have never fancied anyone?”

Arthur nodded. “That’s what I’m telling you.”

Everyone was stunned into silence for a second. “Bollocks!” Gwaine exclaimed. “How can that be? Everyone fancies someone!”

“No they don’t. I’ve never had a crush either.” All eyes turned to Elyan. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the shelves behind him. At their looks he shrugged. “It’s not unnatural or anything.” 

Gwaine gaped. Clearly the concept was too much for his brain to handle. “But—you’re over twenty! How does that work?" 

Merlin grabbed Arthur’s hands tighter, wanting to prevent him from clamming up. “It’s just like that Gwaine. Let it go.”

Gwaine did not look as if he was ready to do just that, but he did know when forcing an issue was not welcomed. It did help that at that moment Biscuit knocked down one of the piles of books with his rapidly wagging tail, spilling them all over Gwaine, nearly burying him. And just like that the weird tension was broken.

Next was Merlin again, who was dared to propose to Morgana in Italian which proved to be difficult as he did not speak a word of it. Arthur’s exasperated tries to get him to say anything other than "pasta," “mio," and “stracciatella” were a welcome annoyance, even if they did not entirely cover up the residual tension in Arthur’s shoulders or the way his leg kept shaking. Merlin only noticed that because their knees were pressed against each other. 

When Morgana threw them out, five pizzas and some spilled soda later, it was nearly midnight.

Arthur and Merlin made the walk back to their flat in tense silence. Merlin wanted to say something encouraging, but he could practically hear the cogs whirling in Arthur’s head and did not want to interrupt the thinking process. He had resigned himself to a particularly awkward end of their evening when, only two or three streets from their flat, Arthur stopped walking. Merlin nearly ran into him.

“Merlin,” he started, then stopped. Frowning, he raked his hand through his hair that was standing up in tufts and started again. “Do you—do you think there’s anything wrong with me?" 

“No,” Merlin said with no hesitation. “There is nothing wrong with you,”he repeated for emphasis.

Arthur stuffed his hands into his pockets again. “You say that but... it’s not normal, is it? Most people have that kind of thing in pre-school—I mean you had a crush on Freya when we were six and then there was Leon in year two and Morgause in four—I don’t get that by the way, she was creepy as hell—and Lance and Mithian and Leon again.-”

Merlin held up a hand. “Alright, I got it, you know all my crushes.“ Almost all of them. Forgot the most important one. ”Although I never told you about them, which is a little weird.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid, you know. I know you never told me about them because I didn’t—because I couldn’t... but I’m not stupid. I do know you, Merlin.”

Merlin could not help but smile at that. “I know you do.”

He took a deep breath of the freezing night air. “Do you want to do this now?”

“Yes.” Arthur sounded sure, but there was fear in his eyes that made Merlin want to bundle him up and feed him ice cream until he felt better.

Merlin nodded slowly, looking around. They usually went straight home and he had to take a moment to make sense of his surroundings. There was a bench at the side of the street, but it looked damp and dirty with what he was ninety percent sure was bird droppings. But a little further down the street he saw a playground, a sad little thing, equipped with one bench that looked as if it was about to collapse into itself, a small slide, and a set of swings.

“Alright,” Merlin said. “Let’s do this over there.”

“At a playground?” Arthur said dubiously. “You want me to feel even more childish than I already am?”

Merlin took a hold of the sleeve of Arthur’s winter coat and pulled him along. “Stop whining. You love swings, don’t try to lie to me.”

“Heavens no. We all know that’s completely impossible,” Arthur murmured. Merlin was not sure what to reply to that so he kept quiet and sat down on a swing, pushing it into movement with his legs on the slippery concrete. The creaking sounded ominous in the quiet night.

He motioned towards the other swing next to him with a quick nod of his head. “Sit.”

Arthur’s eyebrows climbed towards his hairline. “You’re insisting on this, aren‘t you?” When Merlin looked at him expectantly he sighed and complied.

“So?” he asked. “You wanted to say something?” He sounded impatient, almost rude, and if Merlin did not know any better he would have gotten angry. But he did know better so he simply smiled. His cheeks were cold so it was a bit uncomfortable but he thought he did a pretty good job of it.

“I think the one who wants to talk is you, isn‘t it?”

Arthur hummed but did not say anything, obviously uncomfortable with really discussing this and also uncomfortable with staying silent about it. Merlin decided he needed a bit of a prompt.

“It’s perfectly alright to not have crushes you know,” Merlin said. “Plenty of people don’t.”

Arthur laughed but it was a short and bitter thing. “That’s not true Merlin and you know it. I’m not normal. 

That was an assessment Merlin agreed with, but for completely different reasons than Arthur would. “Elyan said he’s the same,” he reminded Arthur.

Arthur shrugged and started swinging slightly. “He might be or he might not. For all I know he said that because he felt bad for me.”

Merlin stopped the movement of his swing and looked at Arthur. “Listen, that might be the case but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it is normal Arthur. There are people who do not fall in love or fancy other people and that's perfectly fine.”

He had done a lot of googling on the subject when he had first realised what was going on with Arthur, but he was not about to mention that. Suddenly saying “I found this website.” did not seem like the kind of thing Arthur wanted to hear at the moment.

Arthur stopped his movement too, his legs braced against the ground. “It’s not just that Merlin,” he said quietly. “It‘s not just the crushes. It‘s the whole thing—the dating and the kissing and the... the other thing... I just don’t—"

Merlin nodded. “I know.”

And he did know. He remembered it clear as day, that one day when they were fifteen and he had waited for Arthur to finish practise after school. How he had stood in the shadows of the oak tree in the centre of his school grounds and watched Owain, the school playboy, lean over and press a kiss to Arthur’s lips. How he had pushed aside the uncomfortable clenching of his heart and watched Arthur’s eyes open wide, his mouth being opened and caressed with the careful ministrations of Owain’s lips. Had watched Owain pull back and Arthur force a smile and flee. 

He had watched Arthur annihilate every enemy coming his way in Counter Strike that day, completely silent and stony-faced. And Merlin had continued to watch him the next three weeks during which Arthur had kissed no less than seven girls, nine guys, and three non-binary people and his face had continued getting stonier and stonier with each passing day.

It had earned him a reputation of being a bit of a playboy himself, but as far as Merlin knew the last kiss Arthur had had was with George in the gym lockers on the seventeenth of October, 2008.

Back in the present Arthur was frowning again. “No, you don’t know! I’m not like all those other people, I don’t enjoy someone slobbering all over me and thinking about doing more with a person just makes me want to throw up! Of course I can never say that because it’s weird to be like that, people aren't supposed to be like that—I’m somehow malfunctioning, I don’t know how to be normal I—”

Merlin gripped Arthur’s arm tight. “Shut up,” he said. “Just—shut up for a second.”

He took a deep breath but did not let go of Arthur. “You are not—you are not malfunctioning or abnormal or any of those things, do you hear me? Never think that. You may not be like the majority of the population, but you are who you are and I would not want you any other way, do you understand?”

Arthur’s eyes went soft. “I know, Merlin. I know you think that way. I just—“ he sighed and stopped talking, letting the words hang in the air like so many tiny ice crystals. 

After what felt like an eternity Arthur spoke again. “I’m sorry for shouting at you. I just find it hard because—because you are so normal. Every time I look at you falling for someone I keep thinking 'why can‘t I do that? What am I doing wrong?'”

Merlin squeezed his arm. “You’re doing nothing wrong. Nothing at all. Falling for someone is something that happens or it doesn‘t and it‘s fine if it doesn‘t. It‘s fine if it never will, but it‘s also fine if it happens when you’re fifty-five.”

Arthur choked a laugh. “Imagine that though.”

Merlin smirked. “You as an old geezer trying to romance someone?—I would pay to see that.”

Arthur flicked Merlin's hand that he still had wrapped around his arm. “Shut up Merlin, I bet I’m still handsome and charming at fifty-five.”

“What do you mean still? You’re neither of those things right now.”

“Ha bloody ha.”

They fell silent again with the only noise coming from the swings creaking, cars passing by a few streets over, and the sound of an ambulance siren.

“What about the—the kissing, and, the other stuff.—You did it, I know you did although you always take care not to when I’m around. I mean—you enjoy it, don’t you? You like it?”

Merlin sighed. This conversation was moving in a bit of an awkward direction, but with Arthur opening up to him like that Merlin knew that he owed it to him to be honest. “It‘s—I—yes. Yes I do. I like kissing, it‘s nice, and I like dating and I like sex. But I don’t feel like I need it, you know. I don’t think it‘s that vital to a relationship. I mean, it can be, but you can have a relationship entirely without that and it will still work. And you know the kissing and the hand holding and stuff—it‘s only good when it‘s with someone you like. A lot. You know, at least that’s it for me.”

Arthur nodded. “So, was it good? I mean, with—with Gili and Leon and Mith ...”

Merlin was quiet for a moment and Arthur shook his head. “No, hold on, you don’t have to tell me, it‘s alright. That's private.“

Merlin squeezed Arthur’s arm again. “You know I’ll tell you anything if you feel like you want to know.” It wasn't even a lie. “It was good with Leon, and alright with Mithian and Gilli. We were inexperienced and unsure and I didn‘t know what I was doing, but mostly I just realised I didn't like them that way after all." 

“There isn‘t anyone else right now though is there?” Arthur asked tentatively. “I mean, you’re not acting any different.” 

Merlin smiled at him. “No, there isn‘t anyone else right now. Hasn‘t been for a long time, actually. I think I used all my crushes up before freshers week and now I’m dried up and shall die an old maid.”

Arthur chuckled. “I thought that was a given.“

He got up and paced back and forth two or three times before stopping right in front of Merlin's swing. He still looked troubled, but looser somehow. As if the tension had bled out of him little by little as he was vocalising it.

“You don’t think any differently of me though, do you?” He sounded small and so, so very young. It hurt Merlin to see the usually cocky and sure Arthur so unsure, so scared to lose Merlin. It hurt to see him think even for a second that there was anything he could do to get Merlin to leave.

But those were thoughts leading in a dangerous direction.

Merlin got up as well. He gripped Arthur’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes, determined to get his message across. “Arthur, listen to me now and listen well. There is nothing at all you could do to make me stop liking you, do you understand? It doesn‘t matter if you never fall in love or if you fell in love and into bed with every person you met. You’re still Arthur to me, and you know you could never get rid of me.”

Arthur groaned. “Damn it all to hell, and I thought I could finally have peace.” But there was a smile on his face and a strong hand on Merlin‘s shoulder. Arthur patted it a few times and then turned on his heels and walked out of the playground. “Come along now Merlin, it‘s bloody freezing out here. Whose idea was this anyway?”

Merlin had to jog to catch up, a big grin on his face. “What, don’t I get a hug for being the most amazing friend ever?”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“Come on, just one teeny hug? A tiny little hug? Just one?” Merlin teased, long strides quickly eating up the distance between him and Arthur’s back. He was so close to catching up to him that when Arthur suddenly stopped and turned around Merlin barrelled straight into his chest.

“Oops—” he started. “Sorry I—” he stopped talking when Arthur’s arms came around him, holding on tight.

“Oh,” he said stupidly.

There was an arm around his waist, a hand on his back, and Arthur’s cold nose at his neck.

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur murmured, hold tightening. 

“Shutting up,” he murmured back, arms coming up to return the hold. Arthur smelled like pizza and cinnamon biscuits and toothpaste and shampoo and Merlin had not felt this warm in ages.

“Thank you,” Arthur muttered into the crook of his neck. He squeezed Merlin until he was worried that his ribs might break. But Merlin was not about to complain.

They let go and stared at each other for a second, a bit uncomfortable but grinning widely.

“Well that was new,” Merlin said eventually. Arthur shook his head in fond exasperation.

“Let‘s go home.”

“Alright.”

 


	3. A Bit of Snow

“Explain to me again why we are doing this,” Arthur demanded, all tangled up in Christmas lights and looking a little grumpy. He had been trying to untangle the wires for twenty minutes now and did not seem to be any closer to getting the lights ready to hang up than he had been at the beginning. He did seem pretty close to accidentally tying himself up though.

Merlin would have answered, but all his concentration was occupied at the moment. He was precariously balanced on a pile of books on top of a step-ladder, trying and failing to put up a tree topper on an alarmingly large Christmas tree. How Morgana had managed to get that thing through the door was anyone’s guess. It was taller than Percival and about four times as wide.

Speaking of Percival…

“You know, you could help,” Merlin suggested tersely, balancing on his tiptoes. “You’d be tall enough for this.”

“Pishposh,” Morgana said. “I need Percival for other duties.”

Merlin could not believe it. “He isn’t doing anything!”

Gwaine bit into an apple with an annoyingly loud crunch. “He’s doing something. He’s carrying books around.”

Merlin dropped any pretence of being useful and turned around carefully to look down on Gwaine, Morgana and Elena. They were gathered around the counter and looking deceptively innocent.

“I could do that!” he protested. “The books aren’t even heavy!”

“Debatable,” Arthur murmured, worrying at a knot in the wire with a frown. “Carrying a conversation and your head on your shoulders at the same time is too much for you most days.“

“I’m sure you could,” Elena said appeasingly. She was the only one who did not seem to have any interest in what Percival was doing, focusing instead on knitting.

“Ah, but you wouldn't look so pretty while doing it,” Morgana said, turning her head in order to be able to keep watching Percival wandering around the shelves. It was warm inside the shop and he had pushed up his sleeves. Gwaine and Morgana, as a result, seemed to be unable to keep their eyes off his forearms.

“Just because you’re using him for your–your– _carnal pleasures_ –”

Morgana chuckled at Merlin’s outrage. “Oh sweet Merlin, you’re entirely too innocent for this world.”

Merlin pointed at Gwen. “You should be bothered by this!”

Gwen smiled at him sweetly. She looked extremely unfazed by her girlfriend flirting with various other people.

“It’s really fine Merlin,” she said. Morgana reached over and planted a kiss on Gwen’s shoulder. “Worry about your own relationship,” she suggested with glance at Arthur, who had finally managed to untangle the lights, only to wrap them around himself.

Merlin sighed. “I’m not even _in_ a relationship.”

“Debatable.” Elena muttered. When the majority of them turned to her with expressions ranging from disbelief to amusement she didn't even look up. “What, it’s not like you all haven’t been saying this for ages.”

Morgana crossed her arms and actually took her eyes off Percival. “Really why _aren’t_ you dating?”

“Why would we?” Merlin decided he was done with this conversation and turned back to the tree. At least he tried to, but he didn't pay close enough attention to his footing. He slipped and before Merlin knew what was going on he was tumbling to the floor with a loud clatter, some curses and a flurry of limbs.

He must have blacked out for a second. When he came to his senses again the first thing he saw was Arthur’s face. It was close enough to fill his whole field of vision.

“There you are,” Arthur said, looking worried. “Are you alright?”

Merlin blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the blurriness. “You do realise that you have Christmas lights in your hair?” For some reason that was the first thing coming to mind. Arthur quirked a smile and plucked at the wire wrapped around his head.

“How did you even do that?” Merlin was seriously wondering about that. “That’s a new level of stupid even for you.”

Arthur looked as though he could not decide whether to be relieved that Merlin seemed to be alright or annoyed at the insult. He settled for something in between that made him look slightly deranged. “Never mind that now, how are you feeling?”

Merlin quickly took stock of his body. His head and bottom were smarting something fierce and whatever had happened to his right ankle did not feel right at all, but all in all it could have been worse.

He tried sitting up, but he must have moved the wrong way. The pain shooting up his leg made him flinch. Arthur’s expression went straight back to worried and his hands moved up and down Merlin’s leg. “What? What is it? Where does it hurt?”

“For goodness sake Arthur, let the poor boy breathe,” Morgana’s voice interrupted. A quick look around told Merlin what he had previously missed;–all of them were gathered around him, seven faces in various stages of concern. At Morgana’s call they moved back a little to make room for her.

“I think we should get you to a doctor,” she decided after looking Merlin over quickly. “Do you think you can stand?”

Merlin carefully pushed himself up from the floor. He grabbed the traitorous step-ladder for purchase and righted himself, taking care not to put any weight on his right leg. It helped that Arthur kept close to Merlin, so when he started wobbling (balancing on one leg had never been his strong suit) he took a hold of Arthur’s shoulder and managed to remain standing.

“I don’t see any problem with this,” he said brightly. Gwaine snickered and put a heavy hand on his shoulder, making Merlin wobble again.

Morgana called them all taxis and closed the shop for the moment as everyone insisted on accompanying Merlin. After the fourth change in seating arrangements (Arthur refused to leave Merlin’s side, Morgana wanted to stay with Gwen and no one wanted to be caught up in the romantic slash sexual crossfire that was Gwaine/Elena/Percival these days) they finally managed to find an arrangement that worked for everyone. The drivers did not seem particularly amused by their antics.

Merlin ended up being manhandled into a seat between Arthur and Gwaine, with Percival sitting in the front to take care of directions. Which was a good thing. If it had not been for Percy’s calming influence the driver probably would have thrown them out and maybe sued them after two minutes. Gwaine would not stop telling stories of BDSM adventures gone wrong.

However, they did arrive eventually. Merlin gave the driver a generous tip and received a scowl in return.

There was a brief moment of confusion when the eight of them flooded the A&E department. The attending nurse looked them over in puzzlement. “Are all of you hurt?”

Merlin, who had entered the hospital with his arm slung across Percival‘s and Arthur’s shoulders, half pulled along and half flat-out carried was shoved forward.

“No, just him,” Morgana explained. “He fell from a ladder trying to put up a tree topper.”

Merlin felt his face heat up. “You don’t have to say it like that. That sounds so pathetic.”

“Well it is true. You went down like a felled tree,” Arthur said. He probably thought he was being funny too, the prat.

“And you fainted,” Gwaine helpfully supplied.

“I have the worst friends,” Merlin complained.

The nurse looked annoyed. “Gentlemen, if we could move this along? We do have other patients to treat.”

The others were directed to the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area and Merlin was told to go in to see the doctor. He was accompanied by Arthur, who had been bribed with three chocolate bars and two video games but still refused to let go of Merlin‘s waist.

“So married,” Merlin heard Elena say as he limped through the door. Arthur shut it behind them, cutting off any further comments that were probably made after that. Most likely by Morgana. The doctor wasn’t there yet, so they took a seat.

Well, Merlin sat on the examination table. Arthur hovered.

Merlin could take it all of three seconds before he snapped at Arthur. “Sit down, you’re driving me crazy.”

“Not much help needed there,” Arthur snapped back but sat down obediently. He turned in his seat to keep looking at Merlin.

Merlin sighed. “Relax, I’m fine. It‘s probably just a sprain. You’re being a wife again.”

That got Arthur relaxed enough to hit the back of Merlin‘s head, although much lighter than he would have in any other circumstance. Merlin grinned at him.

“Besides, this is not the first time this happens to me, remember?” he continued, remembering too many A&E visits just like this. He really was a bit accident-prone.

Arthur groaned. “How could I forget. I swear Merlin, you’re the clumsiest person I have ever met. There should be warning signs: _Careful, Merlin on the Loose. Proceed with Caution_.”

Which might be true but Merlin was not going to just accept it like that. “Oh, like you’re so much better. You once got lost in the neighbourhood you had lived in for seven years. Seven years, Arthur!”

Arthur straightened in his seat. “Well, at least I didn't break my arm trying to peel a carrot.”

Merlin’s face burned. That hadn’t been his brightest moment. “At least I know how to peel a carrot!” he shot back, determined to defend himself until the bitter end.

Somebody cleared their throat behind them. “If I could interrupt your lover’s spat for a second, maybe I could start with my treatment?”

It was Doctor Gaius. Merlin knew him quite well, actually. Turns out if you see a doctor about once a month for the stupidest of accidents he tends to remember you. Gaius had even been invited to dinner by Merlin’s mother more than once.

“Hello Doctor Gaius.” Arthur and Merlin murmured simultaneously, eyes cast to the floor. Doctor Gaius had a way of making them feel like they were a pair of six year olds caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Again.

Gaius moved around the examination table to take a lot at Merlin. He was looking as he always did–old, a bit eccentric and mildly disapproving. If Merlin didn't know any better he might have thought Gaius didn’t like him. “So my boy, what is it this time?”

Merlin grimaced. “I fell from a ladder.”

“A step-ladder,” Arthur added, grinning.

Gaius simply sighed and started shining a light into Merlin‘s eyes. “You two boys are a danger to society. Look over here now, Merlin.” Merlin complied like a good little boy.

At length Gaius nodded and moved on. “No concussion.” he determined. They both sighed in relief.

“Thank god, I wouldn’t have fancied waking you every three hours,” Arthur commented. “That’s never fun. You hit me when you’re woken from a dream.”

“You’re just bad at dodging,” Merlin retorted. “Could you take a look at my leg please? My ankle doesn‘t feel so peachy.”

Gaius lifted an eyebrow. No-one’s eyebrows were as eloquent as Gaius’. “Well, you did say please.”

For the next ten minutes his ankle was prodded at, turned every which way and generally maltreated. Merlin grit his teeth against the pain while Gaius hummed and murmured indecipherable phrases under his breath. When he finally let go of Merlin‘s poor foot he breathed a sigh of relief.

“So, Gaius?” Arthur asked, visibly trying to reign in his impatience. “What is it?”

“Nothing too terrible.” Gaius replied. “You‘ve strained your ligament, I’ll give you a splint and something for the pain and then you just have to rest your ankle. Do you think you can manage that?”

Gaius was giving him a stern look again and Merlin gulped. “Yes,” he promised. “I can do that.”

Gaius nodded. ”I will call you a nurse to take care of that, I’m afraid I have to move on. There was quite a brawl in the south of the city and we’re overrun by strong men with black eyes who won’t stop crying.” He briefly squeezed Merlin’s shoulder. “Take care my boy,” He raised an eyebrow. “Or at least try.”

“I promise,” Merlin said.

Arthur shook Gaius’ hand. “Thank you.”

The nurse came quickly and worked efficiently. Five minutes later Merlin was limping back out, Arthur still supporting him. When they saw him coming out the others jumped up from their seats and crowded around them.

“What did they say?” Gwen fretted. “Will it be alright?”

Merlin wrapped an arm around her to calm her down. He felt a little bad, after all he knew all too well that Gwen was a Class A worrier. It was a trait they shared.

“It’s fine.” Merlin smiled at them. “It’s just a sprain.”

Arthur next to him huffed disbelievingly. “Really, you’re all overreacting. He isn‘t dying or anything, get a hold of yourselves.”

Six pairs of eyes stared at him. Merlin just shook his head. “Hypocrite.”

Arthur tilted his head to the side, smiling blithely. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“I said I’m famished,” Merlin said. “Who wants to get something to eat?”

Which was how they ended up all crammed into Arthur and Merlin’s small living room, gathered around one big bowl of pasta.

“This is _heavenly_ ,” Elena proclaimed with a mouth full of mushroom sauce. “Please marry me, Elyan. I’m not even kidding.”

Elyan grinned proudly. “It’s our mother’s secret recipe. Great, isn’t it?”

Morgana wound a few pieces of spaghetti around her fork and considered this. “If it’s your mother’s recipe then I can marry Gwen instead of you and still eat it, right?”

Gwen went beet red and choked on her drink. Morgana patted her back soothingly. “Don’t worry honey, I’m not proposing to you. Yet.”

Gwen coughed louder.

Arthur stole a mushroom from Merlin’s plate and popped it into his mouth. “I still think this is disturbing,” he whispered to Merlin.

Merlin shrugged. “If it makes them happy...”

“Thank you for your blessings.” Merlin was almost worried that the sarcasm dripping from Morgana’s words would stain the sofa.

Later when they were full and content, all of them happily ribbing into Gwaine for his lack of cooking skills, Merlin volunteered to do the washing up. He hobbled into the kitchen and immediately regretted his niceness. The amount of dirty dishes was staggering.

Right when he was seriously considering emptying his whole bank account and take out a loan right this instant to buy a dishwasher Gwaine wandered into the kitchen. His hands were in his pockets, but his eyes were intent. Merlin had known Gwaine for years, he recognised a man with a mission.

“Did the vultures send you here to make yourself useful?” Merlin grinned over his shoulder at him, arms already submerged elbow-deep in bubbles.

Gwaine grinned back, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Nah, mate. They broke out the tequila though and I decided that drunk Morgana was something I did not need to witness.”

“Good call,” Merlin said and shivered at the mental image of Morgana with alcohol. He grabbed a dish towel and threw it in Gwaine’s face. “Still, give a bloke a hand.”

It said a lot about Gwaine’s mental state that he passed up the opportunity for a dirty joke. Merlin tried not to be worried.

Gwaine rolled his eyes but dutifully got to work. He had just finished drying off the fifth plate when he suddenly put down the towel and turned to face Merlin.

“You know–about Arthur–”

Merlin put down the glass in his hands. Gwaine held up a hand. “No, hear me out. I know we always make jokes and stuff, me most of all, but you do know we truly would like to see you two together?”

“Gwaine–”

“Just because Arthur is not interested in sex and kissing and things does not mean that he is not interested in _you_ , you know.”

Merlin massaged his temple. He could feel a headache coming on. “We‘re not like that, Gwaine.”

Gwaine held up his hands. “Look, I won‘t pretend I understand the weird kind of relationship you two have, heaven knows I’d lose my mind if I tried. But I know you and I know Arthur. And I can recognise your besotted puppy dog face when I see it.”

Yes, there was the headache. Merlin felt the distinct need to bang his head against the cupboards, but that was probably not a good idea.

Gwaine put a hand on his shoulder and tilted his head to look into Merlin’s eyes. “Okay listen,–I’m not trying to tell you to jump his bones, hell I don’t think he’d appreciate that. I know the two of you aren’t like that. But don’t give me that we’re just friends bullshit, because you’re not. So stop pretending like you don’t want to marry Arthur for real and do something about it.”

Merlin groaned and let his head drop forward to rest on Gwaine’s chest. Gwaine patted the top of his head. “Now there, little Merlin, you’ll be fine.”

Merlin hit him on the arm for that and Gwaine drew back, laughing. He rubbed his arm. “You know, I’m actually offended that you chose an idiot like him over me. I’m so much better looking, don’t you think.” He flicked his hair for emphasis.

“Oh, shut up,” Merlin said, but he couldn’t help it,–he laughed. Gwaine had that effect on people, no matter how annoying he was, you just couldn’t help but smile.

Merlin calmed down rather quickly though. His thoughts were still racing. He raked a hand through his hair and bit on his lip. “Thank you, though. Really.”

Gwaine winked at him. “Anything for you, mate.” Hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans he looked like the model he was. Sometimes Merlin wondered why he had never fallen for Gwaine.

“When did you get so insightful anyway?” he asked, examining Gwaine suspiciously.

Gwaine put a hand to his heart, acting affronted. “I’m insulted Merlin. Deeply slighted. I have always been like this.”

Merlin lifted one eyebrow. He tried to emulate Gaius, although it was probably too high of a goal. Nobody could play the eyebrow game like Gaius. But he seemed to get the point across since Gwaine sighed and dropped his hand. “Alright, Elena might have helped me along a little.”

“You really like her, don’t you.” It wasn’t even a question. Merlin had seen Gwaine flirt plenty of times–Whatever this thing with Elena was, it went beyond that. A part of him wondered if Gwaine would deny it, but he simply shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”

“And what about Percy?” No one could miss the downright smouldering looks Gwaine gave Percival at every opportunity. It was a bit traumatizing, actually.

Gwaine looked confused. “What about him?”

Merlin scratched his neck. How did he phrase this? He went for: “Well... you like him too, don’t you? A lot.”

Either Gwaine had no idea what he was getting at or he was being deliberately obtuse. “Well yes. So?”

“Sooo...” Merlin stalled. “Who will you chose?”

Gwaine threw his head back and guffawed. Merlin did not know what was so funny about this, to be honest, but it took a long time until Gwaine stopped laughing. Then he ruffled Merlin’s hair. Merlin certainly did not appreciate that, Gwaine still had soap clinging to his hands.

“Oh Merlin,” Gwaine said, with an expression like amused pity on his face. “Who said anything about choosing?” Then he sauntered out of the kitchen, hands in his pockets, whistling _Teenage Dream_. Merlin heard excited (and definitely slightly drunk-sounding) voices celebrating his return.

He turned to look at all the washing up Gwaine had successfully manoeuvred himself out of and cursed him a little.

 

***

 

They threw out their guests at three am, the lot of them drunk and merry. Elyan assured them that he was sober enough to help a completely pissed Morgana and a manically giggling Gwen home, while Percival solemnly promised them to look after Gwaine and Elena. He was swaying a little as he did so, but Merlin chose to believe his earnest expression. He and Arthur watched their friends stagger out into the night until they went around the corner. When they couldn’t see them anymore Arthur closed the door. He had somehow managed to avoid drinking past his limit and seemed frighteningly sober.

“You alright?” he asked Merlin. “You‘ve been quiet since Gwaine went to ‘help you’ with the cleaning up.”

Merlin marvelled at how Arthur could be so observant sometimes and completely oblivious the rest of the time. “I’m fine,” he assured Arthur, not thinking for one moment that Arthur would buy it.

Arthur didn’t buy it. “No you’re not. You’re thinking about something. But I’m not going to make you say it now. We‘re both knackered.”

To be honest, Merlin felt as if he could sleep for days. Nevertheless when he finally fell into bed a few minutes later he lay awake for hours, thinking of what Gwaine had said.

 

***

 

Of course it all went to hell a week before Christmas.

Merlin still hadn’t bought all the Christmas presents, but that was not even the real issue. He had been unable to reach a decision regarding The Arthur Thing. He was brooding an awful lot lately, and it took a toll on his mood and Arthur’s nerves. Arthur didn't bring it up again, but he kept watching Merlin. It started out as calculating, but soon turned into worried and even worse, suspicious.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Arthur forced himself to say over breakfast on the 19th. Merlin smiled and said yes, but didn't talk to Arthur about it.

Then there was the issue of Gwen‘s love life.

“This is becoming a habit,” Merlin observed that very same day over coffee. Gwen, sitting opposite him sighed dejectedly into her chai latte.

“I know. I’m sorry, Merlin, I promise you it won‘t happen again.”

Merlin didn’t mention that she had said the same thing yesterday. And the day before that. Instead he just sipped his hot chocolate in silence.

Gwen could read it in his expression anyway. “I know. I’m terrible.” Merlin patted her hand, feeling sorry for her. “It’s fine,” he said patiently. “And Morgana is crazy about you. Everyone can see that, you really have no reason to be worried.”

Gwen nibbled on a piece of gingerbread, but put it aside with a sigh. “I know that. Well, my head knows that. The rest of me keeps thinking _that can‘t be right_.”

He took a big gulp of his hot chocolate. “Maybe you should talk to Morgana about this,” he suggested gently. “Maybe she could do something to help.”

Gwen shook her head so that her curls whipped around. “No. Morgana isn‘t the problem, I’m fine when I’m with her. Just when I am alone...–I get really unsure,” she sighed. There was a lot of sighing going on today, Merlin noted. “Don’t you ever have this kind of thing with Arthur? Don’t you ever look at him and think: _There‘s no way he really wants me._ ”

“Arthur and me aren’t like that, Gwen.”

“I know that. But still–you never get insecure?”

Merlin poked around in his cup with his plastic spoon. “No, not really. I mean - things aren’t right when I’m not with Arthur, but I know that it’s the same for him.” He shrugged. “So it’s fine.”

Gwen looked at him as if he was being adorable again, and Merlin guessed he was. He smiled wryly and emptied his cup. “Are you done? I have a lecture in ten minutes.”

He took out his wallet to pay but Gwen pushed his hand away. “This one‘s on me. It‘s the least I can do when I keep calling you out when you obviously have something on your mind as well.”

Merlin put on his coat and scarf. “It‘s nothing.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and steered them through the door and out into the snow storm that had been happening for two days now. “We‘ll be fine.”

 

***

 

They kept hanging out at The Bookshop together, slowly but surely driving Morgana round the bend and buying an alarming amount of books in order to assuage her. It was awkward sometimes, each one of them becoming more stressed the faster Christmas was approaching. The only one who seemed completely at ease was Gwaine. Even Elena had lost some of her sunny disposition. When Merlin carefully inquired about it he found out that she would probably be spending Christmas with no one but Biscuit to keep her company.

“What about Gwaine and Percival?”

Elena shook her head sadly. “Gwaine has a photo shoot to go to and Percival has promised to visit his family. He hasn‘t seen them in ages, after all, and they wanted to celebrate Christmas together. He‘s leaving in two days.”

Since Gwen was spending the holiday with Morgana and Elyan intended to spend some time with his family Merlin knew only two people who would be free to spend time with Elena. He brought it up that evening over dinner.

“You know how we always spend Christmas together?” he started. Arthur put down his fork and finished chewing slowly. “Yeeees,” he said. “What about it?”

Merlin played with his napkin, tearing it into tiny shreds in the process. He didn’t know why he was so nervous about this. Maybe because Arthur had been in one of his moods lately and Merlin did not want to make it worse.

“So... how about we invite Elena along?” He didn’t look at Arthur, unable to raise his eyes higher than the take-away they had decided on for dinner.

When he braved a quick look upwards Arthur’s face looked stony.

Merlin hurried to explain and almost fell over his own words in the process. “It‘s just, nobody has time for her and she would have to spend the holiday all alone and that’s just sad so I thought–” He didn’t know how to end that sentence, so he just let it hang in the air between them.

Arthur picked up his fork again and started slowly moving it from his take away container to his mouth. “Elena?” he repeated. His voice sounded off. “Yes, of course. Why not.”

Merlin would have to be blind as well as deaf and stupid all at once to buy that.

“No, you know what, never mind,” Merlin said and continued eating as well. Something felt weird. Off somehow, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

“I said alright,” Arthur said. “It‘s fine. Go ahead, invite Elena.”

Arthur was behaving strangely, Merlin thought. “It‘s not alright. Something is upsetting you and if you don’t want Elena here then we won‘t invite her,” he said decisively. “There’s no point to her coming over and you sulking all day.” It annoyed him a bit that Arthur was lying to him like that. Lying was usually a thing they didn’t do, at least not to each other.

“I _said_ I’m fine, _Mer_ lin, are you deaf as well as dumb?”

No, that was enough. Merlin dropped his cutlery and pointed an angry finger at Arthur. There was frustration bubbling up inside him that he didn’t know he had felt until this moment. “What’s your problem, exactly? Why can’t we talk this out like adults?” He cringed when he realised how much he sounded like Uther. _You’re an adult, Arthur, try and act like one._

“I don’t know,” Arthur returned frostily. “What’s my problem? Oh, hold on, it could be that you’re _lying to my face_. Excuse me if I’m not really into that.”

Arthur was being childish. Merlin refused to be treated like that. “Listen up you total clotpole–you‘ve had a stick stuck up your arse all week and I have had enough, do you understand? If you have some kind of problem with me all of a sudden either you come out and say it or you shut the fuck up. You make this big deal about me lying, but you’re no better yourself. You know I can tell when you’re bullshitting me and I don’t appreciate it!” His voice was becoming louder and louder. By the end of his little tirade he was almost yelling at Arthur.

Arthur slammed his fork on the table. “Oh, I can tell you hate lying so much seeing as you have been lying to me for _days_. Every time I ask what‘s up you're all like,” Arthur’s voice climbed higher, mockingly imitating Merlin, “ _oh it’s nothing Arthur never mind me while I lie to your face._ And I’m getting sick of it. Fine, so you don’t trust me anymore, you want to spend Christmas with someone else, alright then at least have the balls to say it!”

Merlin felt incredibly angry. How could Arthur think that of him? “That’s what you think is it? You actually believe that? You know what, Arthur Pendragon, if you think that I’d be like that fuck you. I thought you knew me better than that.”

“Oh, shut up Merlin. I have no idea who you are at this point and I’ve had enough. I get it, you’ve grown sick of me. Just spare me all the lies and the acting innocent. It makes me sick.” Arthur shoved his chair back and stood up. “I’m done here.”

Merlin felt as if a switch had been turned. All of a sudden all the blindingly hot anger was gone, replaced by heavy dread. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren't supposed to _fight_. They never fought. They bickered, yes, but they never fought. He just wanted time to stop for a minute so he could try to figure out what the hell was going on here. “Wait, hold on, _Arthur_ –”

But Arthur was walking towards the door, not even slowing down a little.

“Leave me alone.” He slipped into his shoes and took his coat. “I’m leaving.” He slammed the door shut behind him. The crash made the walls shake.

The silence Arthur left behind pressed at Merlin from all around him. He stared dumbly at the spilled take away on the table.

 _‘Don’t you ever have this kind of thing with Arthur?’_ Gwen said in his head, her soft voice almost mocking in its kindness. _‘Don’t you ever look at him and think: There‘s no way he really wants me.’_

“No,” Merlin told the empty room. “I don’t. But it seems Arthur did.”

And I had no idea.

***

“Your moping is scaring away my customers.”

“You don’t have any customers,” Merlin pointed out. His words were muffled by the crook of his arm where he had hidden his face. “And I’m not moping.”

Gwen’s comforting patting on his back got more insistent. “Leave him alone,” she admonished. “He’s heartbroken.”

Merlin didn't even have the energy in him to deny it this time. He really was heartbroken, for so many reasons. He was heartbroken on his own behalf, but most of all on Arthur’s. Just thinking of him made Merlin sick with sadness and regret. He tried to hide the sob that escaped him, but when he peeked up at Morgana her pitiful face told him he had not been very successful.

“There you go,” Elyan said, putting down a cup of steaming cocoa in front of Merlin. “Have a sip. You’ll feel better.”

It smelled delicious and it tasted even better. Merlin might even go as far as saying it was the best cocoa he had ever had. It did not, however, make him feel any better. All it did was remind him of the time Arthur had made cocoa to cheer Merlin up after a really bad grade and almost burnt down their kitchen.

Merlin took another large gulp, trying to swallow down the lump that seemed to have lodged itself in his throat. He burnt his tongue a little. “It‘s good.”

Elyan’s smile was kind, but his eyes were worried. “Not proposing to me today?”

Merlin sniffed. “Sorry.” He looked up at the three troubled faces. “I’m really sorry for annoying you all. I’ll just drink this and get out of your hair.”

“And go where?” Morgana protested. “I’m sorry Merlin, but I’m not letting you wander around the streets like a sad little puppy that has lost its master. No, you’re staying here until we have a solution for this.”

Merlin let his head thunk on the counter. “There’s no solution. I’ve fucked up. This is it. Arthur will never talk to me again. “

Gwen tutted and stroked his hair. He would have loved to say he was above needing that kind of comfort, but her care made him feel slightly better. “I don’t think that’s true,” she said. “You can think of something. You know Arthur better than anyone else.”

Which was exactly the problem. Merlin knew Arthur better than anyone else. He knew everything there was to know about Arthur, could predict how he would act in most situations, and could deal with all of his moods, no matter how volatile.

Except that he had not predicted this. He didn’t have a clue what to do.

He felt pathetic but he couldn't stop another tear from escaping. When Gwen saw he was crying she gathered him up in her arms and made distressed shushing noises.

None of them really knew how to deal with him like this. Usually Arthur would take care of the worst of it and Merlin would appear relatively emotionally stable to the rest of the world.  
But now that Arthur was not here…

“How long haven’t you seen him?” Elyan asked.

“It’s the third day today. I don’t know how he does it. We live together, for god’s sake, but he’s rarely ever there.”

“You need to talk to him,” Gwen said, sounding determined.

“I don’t know what to say.” His mind was blank, the meaningful words he kept wanting to say to Arthur nowhere to be found. How was he supposed to take all that fear and hurt from him when he hadn’t even know it existed until a few days ago?

“Just a tip–in this kind of situation, I find the truth most useful,” Morgana said dryly. “Let me demonstrate. Gwen, I think you are the most charming person I have ever met and I hope we’ll never have to be apart.”

Gwen squeaked, her arms around Merlin tightening in surprise. When she noticed that she was kind of hugging the wrong person she loosened her hold. “Um, Merlin, do you mind if I–?”

Merlin waved her away. “Go on, snog your girlfriend. I’m alright.” Gwen gave him a grateful smile, and hurried around the counter to where Morgana was standing to immediately envelope her in her arms.

Merlin turned away, both to give them some privacy and because their happiness made him all the more aware of the lack of _Arthur_ in his life right now. Plus it still was just a little weird. Watching Gwen make out with someone was like watching his sister. Which, ew. The fact that the person she was making out with was Arthur’s sister just made it worse.

“You know,” Elyan said, looking out through the shop windows across the street. “I think what Arthur needs most right now is to know what you are thinking. And you better hurry up, from what I’ve seen of him his wounds fester when left unattended and then it’s hard to get through.”

Merlin nodded. Yes. He had to fix this. Never mind that he was going crazy without Arthur by his side, he just couldn't stand the thought of Arthur hurting.

So Merlin put on his thinking face and started out into the street.

He waited up for Arthur that night, staring at the clock and watching the hands moving steadily towards midnight. At half past twelve the door opened and Arthur came inside. He blinked, startled by the light. He had obviously expected Merlin to be in bed.

Merlin had seen Arthur only across campus the last few days. He hadn’t seen the dark shadows beneath his eyes or the tired slump of his shoulders. Arthur’s hair looked unwashed, presumably he had avoided showering this morning to get out of the flat as soon as possible.

“Where have you been?” he asked. It came out accusing. Just like that Arthur’s face closed off and his defences went up.

“Out. Now excuse me, I‘m going to bed.”

Merlin took a step towards Arthur and instinctively held out a hand. When he realised he was doing it he dropped it. “Arthur hold on, I want to talk to you.”

“Tough luck,” Arthur said. “I’m tired now, let’s do this some other time.”

“When? You’re out all the time.” Merlin countered. “Please, Arthur, just a minute.”

“So, you want me to move out or what?”

Merlin blinked, completely blindsided by that change of topic. “What?”

“This flat is yours after all,” Arthur continued as if Merlin hadn’t spoken “You inherited it. It’s alright, I can move out soon. I’ll just crash somewhere else till I find a new place.” Arthur wasn’t looking at him. “Was that all?”

No, it wasn’t. There was so much Merlin had wanted to say, needed to say. He needed to make this right, his head was screaming at him to say something, anything, Arthur was getting the wrong idea and it was all coming down around him. But Merlin had no idea what to say.

Arthur nodded. “Alright then. Goodnight.”

His bedroom door clicked shut and Merlin was left alone in the quiet hallway. Again.

Merlin did not sleep well that night, if at all. As a result he heard Arthur sneak out shortly after five. Sunlight crept into his bedroom at eight. He suddenly remembered that it was Christmas eve.

He stayed in bed staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours. He ignored his cell phone ringing. At some point he fished out The Return of the King from beneath his bed and read it again. In between chapters he listened to the ticking of the clock from the living room. He didn’t even know what time it was.

Morgana should see me now, he thought. This is what moping looks like.

His stomach started growling eventually though, and as invested as Merlin was in this moping thing, food was important. He was just considering getting up and locating some cereal when the doorbell rang.

“Go away!” he yelled in the general direction of the front door. “I’m being pathetic and I don’t need any witnesses!”

The doorbell rang again.

“I’m not buying anything!”

Whoever it was started ringing the doorbell to the rhythm of Jingle Bells.

This was torture and Merlin could not stand another second of it. He stumbled out of bed and promptly fell over, feet tangled up in the comforter. He caught himself in the last second. Cursing, he staggered to the door. The ringing was still going on.

“Yes, I‘m coming. Gwen, for the love of god I swear I adore you, but I will rip you apart.” He opened the door, fully expecting to find Gwen on the doorstep, ready to add to his misery by refusing to let him wallow in it.

But it was not Gwen, Merlin realised as he was standing there shivering in the cold. It was Elena.

Which was probably for the best, he decided. In his haste to get the infernal racket to stop he had left his room wearing nothing but his pyjama pants and thick woolly socks. The pink ones. The ones Arthur had tried to throw out on multiple occasions but had been thwarted every time.

“Elena,” he greeted her “What are you doing here?”

Elena smiled. “Hey Merlin. May I come in?”

“I–yes sure, come on in, you must be freezing.” He opened the door wider and let her in. “Let‘s go to the living room. First door on your left about three feet from where you‘re standing.”

Biscuit was with her and together they curled up on the couch. Merlin hastily put on the first thing he found, which was a bright red reindeer jumper which was for some reason laying on the kitchen table. After going through the cupboard for a minute he found some dog treats for Biscuit. He didn’t even know why they had those. Hopefully they were still edible. He also made a cup of tea with lots of honey for Elena.

“Thank you,” she said, and cradled it with both hands. “It’s really incredibly cold, I thought I would freeze to death on my way here.”

“Yeah, about that.” He tried not to sound rude but it was hard. He really just wanted to be left alone right now. “Why are you here? Not that I‘m not happy to see you, just...”

Elena gave him a stern look. It was the first time he saw that expression on her face and it was quite intimidating, to be honest.

“Merlin, do you know that Arthur moved into The Bookshop today?”

Merlin blinked. “He did what?”

“I went to say hi to Morgana this morning, since her shop is on my way to campus and he was there, saying something about how he could not stay at your flat for the moment and how she was his sister and she owed him something. It made Morgana yell and Gwen had to calm her down with cuddles, but she said yes and now Arthur’s sleeping in one of the armchairs.”

Merlin was struck dumb. Yes, Arthur had brought up the topic yesterday but Merlin had never expected him to actually go through with this madness. Why would he? He had to know that Merlin would never want him to move out!

“Excuse me,” he mumbled and hurried into Arthur’s room. He threw open the door but stopped in the doorway.

The room was a mess. That was not anything new, Merlin had expected that. Arthur could not keep his room tidy to save his life. What hit Merlin like a slap in the face was not the state of the floor. Arthur’s cupboard was open, half empty, and the suitcase he kept in the corner of his room for travel emergencies, or in case he had things to hide when Merlin‘s mother came over, was gone.

“Arthur, you idiot.”

He heard Elena‘s slow, measured steps come up behind him. “I think both of you are idiots, frankly,” she said. “He is being about as observant as Gwaine when he is fast asleep and you are not trying hard enough to get him to calm down.”

“I tried. He didn’t want to listen.” Merlin was still staring at all the empty places in Arthur’s room. The desk where his laptop was supposed to be, the pile of textbooks Arthur was always too lazy to put away after he used them, even the stuffed dragon he held at night ever since he was a kid was gone. It had been replaced by Kilgharrah, curled up on the pillow staring back at Merlin with yellow eyes.

A hard hit against the back of his head yanked him out of his thoughts. “Ouch! How can you aim that well if you can barely see a thing?”

“Your self-pity is radiating from you in waves, it's hard to miss. I‘m sorry, but you need to stop this right now. He doesn‘t want to listen? Well, screw him, you have something to say.” She shoved his coat into his arms. Merlin had no idea when she had even picked that up. “You are going to The Bookshop right now and you are fixing this Merlin. I‘m tired of you moping around. I‘m not surprised that Arthur is acting like a complete child but you can do better than that. Make him come to his senses or I swear to god I will show Morgana those videos of you licking her books.”

Merlin gasped. “You‘re bluffing. Arthur has them.”

Elena was smirking and it was the scariest thing Merlin had ever seen. “I made him send it to me. I am completely serious, every moment you dawdle my thumb is moving closer to that sending button.”

Merlin, it turned out, could move incredibly fast when blackmailed and scared out of his wits. Within minutes he was wearing boots, scarf, a coat and mittens and was on his way to The Bookshop, Elena‘s hand on his elbow pulling him along. All the way he tried to come up with something to say that would make it alright, but it only seemed like seconds before they were standing in front of a very familiar shop window.

Merlin stopped. “You know what, Elena, never mind. Send Morgana that video, I can‘t do this.” He turned to leave but her surprisingly strong grip held him back.

“Oh no Merlin Emrys, you don’t get to run away from this. You will go in there and you will talk to him even if I have to put you in handcuffs and pull you every step of the way.”

“Oh look,” Merlin said brightly in a brilliantly timed and perfectly executed attempt at distraction. “There‘s ‘ _Christmas with Gordon’_ in the display. Which reminds me, I think I left the stove on, if you would excuse me–”

At that very moment the door opened and Morgana stepped into the street. She looked a lot like a goddess of vengeance in the dim glow of the street lamps and the spare light from the sunset. When she saw them, she immediately relaxed. “Thank god you‘re here, I cannot stand this moping one second longer. Get in there Merlin and make him stop.”

Before he knew what was happening Merlin had been shoved inside and the door was firmly and swiftly locked behind him.

Feeling distinctly like a gladiator trapped in an arena with a raging lion Merlin resigned himself to being torn apart by a big, angry cat. He carefully made his way towards the back of the shop.

Arthur was sitting in the very armchair Merlin had been sitting in when they had played truth or dare. It felt like it had been years ago when it had only been weeks. His suitcase was laying at his feet, the stuffed dragon sitting on top of it.

“Leave me alone Morgana,” Arthur snapped. “I don’t need your ridicule right now.”

“I‘m not Morgana,” Merlin said and wow, that was definitely a sound beginning to a life changing talk about feelings. He was even worse at this than Arthur.

Arthur’s head snapped up and he twisted to look at Merlin. His expression closed off. “Merlin. Is there something you need?”

And all of a sudden Merlin was angry again. Angry at Arthur for being such a stubborn, self-sacrificing prick, angry at himself for letting it get that far and angry at that stupid stuffed dragon for staring at him with accusation in its glassy green eyes.

“Yes, actually there is something I need,” Merlin snapped back, dropping his scarf and mittens on the floor. “I need you to shut your stupid mouth and listen to me for once in your bloody life, do you think you can manage that?”

Anger, it turned out, was not the best way to go. Arthur was not someone who liked being shouted at. Rather, he gave as good as he got in fights, Merlin knew that. He stood up and turned to Merlin.

“No, thank you. If you have something to say I‘m sure Elena would be delighted to listen to you, I‘m afraid I‘m tired of your excuses.”

He tried to walk by Merlin but Merlin shoved him backwards. Arthur was actually stronger than Merlin, but Merlin had the advantage of surprise. Arthur stumbled back, his eyes briefly flickering to Merlin’s jumper and up again.

Merlin decided to prevent any yelling from Arthur by yelling at him first. Offence was the best defence after all. “Shut up. Yes, I‘ve fucked up a lot, which is why you need to stuff it for a second and let me apologise!”

Whatever Arthur had expected that was obviously not it. He closed his mouth, crossed his arms and leant back against the back of the armchair. Judging by the arrangement of pillows and blankets he had apparently been planning to spend the night in it.

He gestured for Merlin to go on.

The problem was, now that he had Arthur quiet and listening Merlin had no idea what to say. He should probably apologise first and then explain.

“You‘re an idiot,” he blurted out. Or insult the very person he was trying to make up with. That could work too.

Arthur looked as if he was about to interject something so Merlin just went on talking. Maybe if he just said enough something useful would come out with all the other things. “No, don‘t even say anything, you‘re an idiot of the first order and I‘m even worse for not seeing what was going on with you. But seriously, how could I have expected you to be so stupid? Me getting tired of you? What universe are you living in exactly? That‘s the most ridiculous thing I have heard in my entire life and I once spent a week watching _Geordie Shore_.”

“I remember that,” Arthur murmured. “I had nightmares for months.”

Yes, in retrospect that had not been the best way to spend their free time. But that wasn’t the point.

“The point is” Merlin went on. “That you are the biggest cabbage-head in the history of cabbage-heads and the very thought that you expected me to grow tired of you made me angry enough to make you believe I wanted you to leave. Which I don‘t, for the record. That’s bloody ridiculous.”

Arthur stared at him. Merlin stared back, suddenly all out of words again.

After seemingly endless seconds of silence Arthur opened his mouth but nothing came out. He cleared his throat and tried again. “You don’t?”

Merlin deflated. All of a sudden he felt every second he had not slept last night. “No, I don’t, you prat. Obviously not. Why would I want that? The flat without you is the most boring place ever.”

He grimaced, staring at his shoes. He was dripping snow all over the carpet. Morgana would kill him. “Well, actually anything is pretty boring without you,” he admitted. “It’s probably pretty unhealthy. But if you’re not there and I can’t bother you with all the stupid things that I think about I kind of go crazy.”

He looked at Arthur again, who still looked a bit overwhelmed. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew all those things, I thought you knew that I’m not myself without you because I never tried to hide it but I completely forgot how emotionally constipated you are.”

Arthur swallowed. “I think I need to sit down.” He slid down on the floor, staring at Merlin‘s knees. “But–what about Elena?”

Merlin frowned and sat down opposite Arthur. “Why do you keep bringing up Elena?”

“You wanted to invite her for Christmas.” Arthur said. “I thought you–”

Merlin’s eyes widened as he realised what had been going on. “You thought I _fancied_ her?” He snorted trying to stifle a laugh. It was ridiculous. Of course, Elena was great, but that Arthur, _Arthur of all people_ had actually thought Merlin had a crush on her had him laughing like a maniac within seconds. It was just so ironic.

Arthur did not look particularly amused at being laughed at. “I don‘t see what‘s so funny, Merlin.”

Whenever tried to open his mouth to explain more laughter came out. Arthur crossed his arms and scowled.

At some point Merlin could finally feel himself calming down. He wiped the tears from his eyes and hiccuped once. “Sorry. Sorry. It‘s just–I don‘t fancy Elena. I like her, of course, who wouldn’t she’s great. But I just really felt sorry for her, that‘s why I brought it up.”

Arthur nodded slowly. “I see. But–then what have you been keeping from me all this time?”

Merlin sighed and fiddled with a loose thread of his shirt. He wasn’t sure if he had the nerves to say it. Every second he kept quiet he felt Arthur tensing up again.

“No, forget I asked,” Arthur said eventually, sounding defensive. “You obviously don‘t want to tell me and I obviously have no right to know.”

Merlin‘s head snapped up. “Oh don’t be stupid. You have every right to know. You know I don’t keep secrets from you.”

“Well obviously you do,” Arthur pointed out. Merlin could hear the hurt beneath the bravado. If this problem wasn't solved now it never would be.

He was actually not that scared that Arthur would push him away if he told him. Arthur was just too honourable for that. Besides, Arthur was worth that bit of a risk, Merlin decided. So he took a deep breath and said: “You remember that day I talked with Gwaine in the kitchen, right?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Yes Merlin, I‘m not yet as senile as you.”

“Shut up,” Merlin said but there was no bite in it. “You wanted to know so let me tell the story.”

Arthur nodded. He leant back and simply looked at Merlin, face free from judgement or impatience. When he tried Arthur was the best listener in the world. He concentrated completely on the other person and took all of their concerns seriously. When Merlin saw how Arthur was looking at him he suddenly felt immeasurably calm. This was just Arthur. This was no stranger, no test, no riddle, no trap, no big scary situation. This was just Merlin and Arthur. It was the easiest thing in the world.

“He reminded me of something I have been thinking about for ages. Years, actually.”

”I didn't even know you were capable of thinking that much without hurting yourself,” Arthur interjected, more to re-establish a sense of normality than to insult. It was his way to tell Merlin: _It‘s alright, no matter what this is going to be I‘m still on your side._

Kindness masked as insults. Arthur really was the most emotionally constipated person in the world.

“Ha bloody ha,” Merlin said. His mouth was dry from all the talking he was doing today. “Anyway Gwaine had figured out this thing–actually everyone had figured it out–and he told me to hurry it up because you would never get there on your own. Which he turned out to be right about, the stubborn bastard.”

Merlin looked at Arthur, really looked at him. Their faces were not far from each other, near enough that Merlin could see the stubble on Arthur’s chin and the shadows beneath his eyes even in the dingy lightning in The Bookshop. Arthur was sitting still, waiting for Merlin to find the right words.

Merlin was beginning to think he didn't have any right words in his repertoire. He pressed on anyway.

“Because you see, the thing is that I’ve been in love with you forever,” he said and it felt like finally lifting a huge weight from his chest. “Literally forever, since the very first day we met. But I know that the whole romance and dating thing is really difficult for you, so I didn’t want to pressure you. I‘ve been waiting for you to figure it out on your own, which turned out to be stupid since you’re as thick as two short planks.”

Arthur looked as if Merlin had just admitted to secretly being a member of the royal family. Or as if he had claimed to be the Queen herself.

“I’m sorry–you–you what?” Okay, that had evidently been a bit much for Arthur’s little brain.

Merlin grinned. “I,” he said slowly and pointed at himself “Love,” He drew a heart into the air with two fingers, then pointed at Arthur. “An incredibly stupid clotpole who can’t make an omelette to save his life.” He frowned, remembering how Arthur had ruined eleven pans in his attempts to make breakfast. “Seriously, we need to work on that. It’s not quite normal, if you ask me.”

Arthur cleared his throat. “I–we–so... you’re not leaving?”

Merlin laughed. “Where would I go? It’s all boring without you. No, you’re not getting rid of me.” His grin went from happy to definitely deranged. “I’m happy to be your Merlin until the day I die.”

Arthur didn’t say anything. After what felt like several minutes of them staring at each other in complete silence Merlin got a bit concerned.

He waved one hand in front of Arthur’s face. “Hello? Earth to Arthur? Did I break you?“

In one swift move Arthur had Merlin by the wrist and pulled him in, wrapping him in a hug tight enough that Merlin was afraid he might suffocate. Or that might just be because his heart was thumping against his ribcage as if it was attempting to break free.

Arthur smelled a bit unwashed, sweaty and grubby, but at the same time he smelt like tea and toothpaste and mashed potatoes. Merlin wrapped his arm around Arthur’s and rested his head on his shoulder. He allowed himself to simply breathe. It felt as if he had not taken a breath in days.

“God I missed you,” he muttered against Arthur’s sweatshirt and pressed even closer.

Arthur shuddered and Merlin had the distinct feeling that he was crying.

“I‘m sorry, Merlin,” he whispered. “I was so stupid. I should have known. I don’t know where all those insecurities came from, you just avoided me so much and I started thinking,–and when I started I just couldn’t stop. I thought you had realised I was weird and I thought you didn’t want me to be your best friend anymore.” Merlin held him tighter and Arthur continued. “I should have known better. At least I should have let you explain.”

Merlin tried to cover a sob with a fake cough. Arthur’s hand in his hair told him that it had been absolutely useless. “Well, you’re a clotpole so it’s not really a surprise.”

Arthur shoved him backwards. “I take offense to that.”

Of course he did, Merlin laughed. “Prat.”

Arthur’s eyebrows climbed towards his hairline. “That’s how you want to play? You know you can’t win against me when it comes to insults, _Mer_ lin.”

“I don’t think so,” Merlin retorted. “You need creativity for good insults, which is something you definitely lack.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Dollophead.”

Arthur groaned and gestured at Merlin. “You keep saying that but it’s not even a word!”

“Yes it is!”

“No, it isn’t!”

Merlin straightened in affront. “Yes, it is, it’s _idiomatic_.”

“I love you.”

Merlin stopped breathing for a moment.

Arthur looked just as surprised as Merlin felt. He looked at Merlin as if to ask _Did I just say that?_

“I–” Arthur cleared his throat. “I mean–I have no idea what it means to be in love with someone. But... I didn’t like the thought of you with Elena. Or with any of those people. You’re–oh god this is so embarrassing–but you’re the most important person to me, so I thought I should be yours.”

Merlin wanted to tell him that he was, and he shouldn’t ever doubt that, but Arthur smiled at him. “I know. I mean I know that _now_. And I just think that–I don’t want anyone to take my place in your life. I’m the one you should be watching crap telly with, telling your stupid conspiracy theories to–”  
“They’re not stupid!” Merlin interrupted hotly.

“Yes they are. Why on earth would squirrels form an alliance with the LGBT community?”

“It‘s because of the nuts!” Merlin protested but Arthur shushed him. “Like I said, you’re an idiot. Frankly no one should be expected to deal with you. You’re hell to deal with after a nightmare, and your tendency to smash dishes when you’re angry is a bit problematic. Also, I’m convinced that you’ve got some kind of mental deficiency because you keep eating prawns although your face always gets all red and puffy.” Arthur’s voice was growing stronger and surer the more he spoke. “To be honest I don’t even want anyone else to be there with you when you do all those stupid things. I want to be the one to hug you when you‘re sad because you found a dead duckling, and I want to be the one to put you to bed when you passed out while studying again. Most of all I want to make you smile as much as possible. You look like a complete buffoon when you grin like that, but somehow it’s the best thing about my day. I don’t know about all the romance and stuff, I have no idea how that works. But, I think I love you, in some way... I just–I want to be with you, you know? Somehow, like that.”

With superhuman effort and control that he should be congratulated on for the rest of his life, Merlin managed not to start bawling like a baby.

Arthur all of a sudden looked insecure again. “So is that–is that okay?”

Merlin’s grin felt wobbly. “Eh, I don’t know, I don’t particularly fancy it.”

Arthur rolled his eyes and swiped at Merlin’s head. “Oh shut up Merlin.” Merlin did shut up, but he also caught Arthur’s hand and squeezed it. Arthur squeezed back. Then he suddenly looked horrified. “Don’t expect me to talk about feelings all the time now though. I think that was my quota for a year.”

Arthur had a point. This was, hands down, the most emotional Christmas eve Merlin had ever experienced. Thankfully any possibility of more emotional times was put to an abrupt halt when his stomach growled loudly enough for the floor to shake. Or maybe that was just because of Arthur’s roaring laughter.

“Way to kill the mood Merlin. You really have no feeling for romance, do you?”

Merlin blinked up at Arthur innocently. “Romance? Was this what this was?”

“Shut up,” Arthur said. He up stood and pulled Merlin along with him. They stood grinning at each other for a few seconds before Arthur dropped Merlin’s hand.

“I think there are a few biscuits still left from your baking binge. Let’s find those and then order a pizza or something.” He walked towards the front of the shop and Merlin followed. He felt incredibly light, as if there was helium in heart and glitter in his veins. The grin by now was probably permanently etched on his face.

“Yes we could. But Morgana locked us in,” he said with some amusement. Arthur did not seem to share that sentiment, he whipped around and stared at Merlin. “She did? That witch, I swear she’s completely out of her mind.”

Arthur managed to procure biscuits for Merlin, who jumped up on the counter and happily munched away, while Arthur paced back and forth in front of him.

“Yes Morgana. No, we don‘t need you to come and give us instructions how to make up, we already _have_ made up, I told you that. We just need you to come and unlock the door.”

Morgana said something. Arthur rolled his eyes and held out the phone to Merlin.

“Merlin, tell Morgana we’ve made up.”

“Hey Morgana” Merlin greeted cheerfully. “Arthur and I have made up and we’re now dating.”

Arthur quickly snatched back the phone, hair as red as his sweatshirt. “I hate you Merlin,” he proclaimed. Morgana’s “ _Finally_ ” was audible even with the phone held loosely in Arthur’s hand halfway between them.

“Don‘t you dare show up here without pizza!” he told Morgana and hung up. Then he pointed at Merlin. “You will be the death of me.”

Merlin grinned. “Well then, I will at least have achieved something in my life.”

“You? That‘s unlikely.”

Merlin just flicked Arthur’s forehead. Arthur scrunched up his nose.

“You always do that when you don’t have a comeback,” he complained. “I wish I had someone less conversationally challenged as a friend.”

“Oh, but then how would you keep up?”

Arthur simply responded by wrapping his arms around Merlin‘s middle and pressing his face against his torso. “I hate you,” he muttered.

Merlin carded his hands through Arthur’s hair and made shushing noises. “I know.”

“You’re wearing my present you know,” Arthur said and Merlin blinked down at the red reindeer jumper. That explained a lot. For example how a jumper he had never seen before in his life had suddenly ended up on his kitchen table.

“That’s how you give gifts? We really need to work on your communication skills.”

Arthur laughed. The thought of how much he had laughed this evening made Merlin feel all warm and fuzzy.

The bell above the door jingled and Morgana came inside, hand covering her eyes. “Is it safe to look?”

“Better not,” Merlin said. “Arthur is naked and rubbing himself all over your books.” Merlin’s chest vibrated with Arthur’s laughter.

Elena appeared behind Morgana. “Shame, I would have payed to see that.”

Morgana dropped her hand and stared at them with annoyance. “You better behave or I will skin you and use you as a rug. I will find out what you did during truth or dare one day.”

Merlin sat up straighter and tried to look as innocent as possible. Which did not seem to be very innocent, since Morgana was looking at him suspiciously. Arthur freed himself from Merlin‘s hold and turned around.

“You forgot the pizza,” he accused. “If you have no food you're not welcome here.”

“This is _my_ shop.” Morgana reminded him irritably.

“I‘ve got it,” Gwen announced from where she had been hidden behind the other two. She was balancing a large stack of pizza boxes and four bottles of soda.

“Isn’t that a bit much for five people?” Merlin asked. He looked around. Yes, definitely no hungry guests hidden behind the shelves.

“You and Arthur haven’t eaten anything in days,” Gwen said, voice heavy with criticism. “Plus, we have something to celebrate.”

“Also Gwaine will be coming over once his job is finished,” Elena added, not even trying to cover up how happy she was. “His modelling job finished early. And Percy pushed back his family visit, so he should be here any minute now.”

“As nice as this is, I think I might just fall over if I can‘t put these down sometime soon,” Gwen pointed out and they quickly helped her carry the food and drinks, setting them down around the Christmas tree. Morgana procured a roll of paper towels from somewhere, and Elena turned on the radio and cranked up the heating.

They had just sat down and Merlin was about to appease his stomach with a big slice of pizza when the bell went off again. In trudged Gwaine, trailing snow sludge all over the carpet. He held up a six-pack. “I brought beer!” he announced and plonked down next to Elena, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek. “Oh great, there’s pizza.”

“You will clean that up,” Morgana told him and pointed at the melting snow on her carpet.

Gwaine simply gave her a toothy grin.

“So princess, did you un-twist your knickers?” he asked Arthur through a mouth full of food. Arthur looked mildly disgusted.

“They‘re dating,” Elena said. “At least that‘s what Merlin said.”

Gwaine waggled his eyebrows. Arthur groaned. “Merlin is an idiot,” he announced, but their knees and shoulders were pressing together.

“Ah, but you like me,” Merlin teased and laughed when Arthur dropped his head on his shoulder and hid his face in Merlin‘s neck. “Shut up Merlin,” he mumbled. Merlin did not need to look at him to know he was blushing.

“Oh god, stop being so cute, you‘re making me sick,” Morgana complained. “Gwen, where’s your brother? I was looking forward to some of his cocoa.”

Heavy steps moved towards them. “I‘m here,” Elyan said. “And I brought Percy.”

Gwaine and Elena visibly perked up. Percival dropped his coat on the floor and sat down on the other side of Elena. Elyan disappeared into the back room only to return a few minutes later, tray in hand. The tray was crowded with mugs, all of them chipped and brightly coloured, and filled to the brim with deliciously smelling hot chocolate. There were even marshmallows, Merlin noticed happily.

“I love you Elyan,” Gwaine, Morgana and Merlin sighed simultaneously. Elyan winked at them. “I know. Ready and awaiting your proposals.” He sat down between Merlin and Morgana and passed around the mugs.

“You are the most wonderful human being in the world,” Elena announced and reverently took a sip.

“I know.”

When they had eaten as much as possible and Merlin thought he might burst, Elena turned on the radio again. Gwaine, Merlin and Elyan started singing along loudly to the cheesy Christmas songs while Arthur was demonstratively covering his ears

They spent the whole evening like that–singing, reading to each other from their favourite books, giggling a lot, and telling too many embarrassing stories. Merlin felt warm and content with Arthur’s arm heavy on his shoulders. They hadn’t brought each other’s presents with them, so they just picked out things they found around the shop and solemnly handed them over to each other. For some reason, maybe it was the Christmas spirit, or maybe it was the alcohol, but Morgana let them without a fuss.

So they laughed and sang and talked and wrapped tinsel and fairy lights around Percival until he looked like a big Christmas-monster, until all of them were exhausted. One after the other they nodded off. Gwen was first, falling asleep with her head cushioned on Morgana‘s stomach. Elena had been yawning quite a lot and finally both her and Biscuit cuddled up to Gwaine. He had been lying on his stomach, head pillowed on his arms for quite some time and Merlin couldn’t tell if he was still awake. At that point Morgana was snoring slightly and Elyan and Percival got up to collect some quilts to cover the others with them. Elyan also distributed pillows before he laid down and was asleep within seconds.

Merlin and Arthur had cuddled up against a mountain of pillows. Percival quietly wished them a good night before he too laid down next to Elena and Gwaine. Gwaine immediately reached out a hand and sleepily took a hold of Percival’s biceps.

Arthur was holding Merlin, his front against Merlin’s back. His fingers were drawing patterns on Merlin’s arm. “I‘m kind of afraid to fall asleep,” Arthur whispered into the silence, only interrupted by quiet breathing and the ticking of a clock. “What if Morgana paints on my face?”

Merlin chuckled quietly and patted Arthur’s hand. He could already feel Arthur’s breath evening out, the long nights of bad sleep taking a toll on him. “Don‘t worry. I‘ll protect you,” he promised. “And take lots of pictures.”

Arthur tightened his arms around him. “I know,” he murmured, so quietly it was barely even audible. “You’re my Merlin after all.”

And really, Merlin thought as his eyes slid shut, feeling warm and safe and content, who would want to argue with that.


End file.
